Mouthpiece
by Azzie - Pyper - O-Gee
Summary: Featuring a slew of guests, Mouthpiece is a weekly online show dedicated to the wrestling-verse. This week features special guest Jack Swagger, plus a look at the all new Mouthpiece merchandise line! Rated T for humor and language.
1. Do Your Fcking Jobs!

This could be termed as a spin-off of one of Azrael's older endeavors, a fanfic called 'On Air' which was basically a fake radio show that ridiculed both real and fake incidents in the wrestling universe. It's supposed to play like E's 'The Soup', and other shows like it, but it was a little hard to write in narrative form as opposed to the easier script format. In a lame effort to compensate, the webisodes themselves are written in present progressive form, as opposed to the past tense of the outside story parts. Confused? Hell, so were we. Anyway, we hope to update this fic at least once a week. Hope.

Disclaimer: World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling and any other promotions mentioned within this fanfic belong to their respective owners. Wrestlers featured belong to themselves… unless claimed in future chapters.

Date Uploaded: 15 February 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 1**

It was approximately three in the afternoon when Pyper stalked into Azrael's study and asked, "Hey Azzie, you want to do a wrestling-based web show?"

"Where in the hell did that idea suddenly come from?" Azrael asked, not looking up from her computer screen.

"Dunno," Pyper said, shrugging. "I'm BORED. Yeah, that's it. So come on, do one with me. I'll let you be the host."

"Why in the hell would I want to do that with you, Pyper?"

"Think about it, Azzie; when was the last time you actively made life hell for any of the WWE superstars?"

Azrael opened her mouth to respond, thought about it and then closed it. "Hmm."

"I thought so," Pyper said, grinning smugly. "If you're wondering, I yoinked one of THE Brian Kendrick's jackets last week, but that's pretty much all the extent of what I've been doing lately."

"Pilfering? Shit, Pyper…"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to get caught," Pyper said in a self-assured manner, which didn't convince Azrael in the least. "So come on; if you do a web show with me there's less of a chance that I do something stupid that you need to get called to bail me out of."

Azrael sighed. "Oh fine; I guess I have been looking for something to do. Hey, where's O-Gee?"

"Setting up our studio – we're on in half an hour."

"WHAT??"

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 1: Do Your F*cking Jobs! **

"We're on air," O-Gee calls as 'Listen Up' by the dEAF PEdESTRIANS plays in the background.

"Here I thought I'd never hear those words again," Azrael mutters to herself. She is sitting in a small set with a background decked out to look like a modern apartment. It is furnished with only a tall, black stool and an LCD monitor to her right. Azrael and then adjusts herself on her seat and musters a smile for the camera. "Greetings, all seven people who wandered onto this little online blurb of outs. My name is Azrael, and I'd like to welcome you to the pilot episode of Mouthpiece, your weekly dose of all the top stories in the world of pro-wrestling in easily digestible ten-minute doses."

The screen to her right changes to a rather blurred image of an aggravated Chris Jericho standing in the middle of a crowd, right in mid-punch to a young woman. "In our very first story ever, we have the now infamous Chris Jericho incident. Following an event at Save-On-Foods Memorial Centre in Victoria, British Columbia, Jericho was mobbed by a group of fans. While there have been many accounts of the incident, it seems the general consensus is that a couple harassed Jericho to the point that he lashed out and slugged the woman in the mouth. Can we roll the footage of that?"

On the screen the image changes to video footage of the RAW episode in August 2008 where Chris Jericho accidentally punched Rebecca Hickenbottom in the mouth after Shawn Michaels had ducked. "Aw, wait, come on guys, that's the wrong video, can we get the actual one please?" Azrael calls. "Is it this hard to get some technical help around here??"

A voiceover of Jericho yelling, "Do your fucking jobs!" is played.

"Exactly!" Azrael yells, gesturing to someone in the wings. "All right, it seems we don't have the actual footage, so while the police continue to investigate we'll just have to speculate. Anyway, let us move on."

The screen then switches to the TNA logo. "In news away from WWE, TNA began a series of baffling cuts to its middle card roster. The Rock and Rave Infection got the boot, although Christy Hemme is mysteriously still around, and even Petey Williams, who had been heavily involved in the Main Event Mafia/Frontline storyline, was sent off. On the plus side, he's now free to get rid of that awful goatee and dye job. Now here's O-Gee with the Blown Spot for the Week."

The camera switches to where O-Gee is sitting at a table with a laptop, apparently the control centre for the dubious operation. "Thanks, Azzie. Presenting the Blown Spot – a segment where wrestlers' slip ups are broadcast in full glory. This week we have Jack Thwagger – I mean Swagger – heading out to the ring at the start of ECW."

A clip plays on full screen where Jack Swagger swaggers down the ramp all smugness and self-assurance… until the ECW falls unceremoniously from his waist.

"And that's it for the Blown Segment," O-Gee says. "Back to you, Azzie."

Azrael has been watching with a wince and she shakes her head before getting back to the show. "A few other interesting tidbits – Al Snow wed fiancee Cynthia Lynch, known as Bobcat. The bride wore a possibly quite misleading white dress that amply showed off her expanded cleavage. There was no sign of Head. Also Mick Foley, who apparently was not at the bash, reportedly pulled out of negotiations for his sitcom 'Have a Nice Day!' once again, citing other commitments. Damn you, TNA."

She clears her throat and continues: "Pyper asked to do a special segment for the show," she says. "While it's not entirely wise to agree to Pyper's whims, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, not to mention fill up airtime. And so, without further ado, here's Pyper."

The screen switches to show Pyper standing on a different set – it has a pink backdrop with hearts on it and a similar LCD monitor to her left. "Hello everybody!" she calls out. "I'm here to commemorate yesterday, Valentine's Day, with a segment on who I think are the top five couples in wrestling today. So let's get to the list!"

A picture of Abyss and Lauren Thompson is shown on the screen. "While these two are yet to go on that hardcore date of his dreams – and by hardcore we mean more along the lines of chairshots rather than naughty kind you've found in your daddy's personal hard drive – Abyss is hoping that he can convice Lauren to join him for dinner and a shock therapy session when she's not too busy being freaked out."

The screen then shows the clip of the Colóns, the Bella Twins and Miz and Morrison from the past Smackdown. "Couples, people, I'm not looking into freakin' swinger orgies!" Pyper yells. "Oh wait, yeah, now I remember – the Colóns unfortunately lost out on dating the Bella Twins for Valentines Day after being beaten by the Be Jealous duo. But hey, it can't be that big a loss; any two chicks who consent to being treated as prize trophies have got to be attention-seeking whores, right?"

The next picture shows, weirdly enough, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. "United in their somewhat unrequited man-crushes on Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr have found happiness and sought comfort in each other. Good for them."

"They're not gay, Pyper," Azrael's dry voice comes off-camera.

"They're not?" Pyper asks, baffled. "But I could have sworn that… But the man-crush, it's there, right?"

"I suppose it could be the main reason they follow that tool around," Azrael then says don't-carishly.

Pyper shrugs. "Good enough for me. Anyway, couple four…" the screen shows an image of Beth Phoenix and Santino Marella. "The fabulous Glamarella, WWE's own drag couple. Now that Beth Phoenix has Santino properly emasculated maybe she can pluck that unibrow, or at least get her intern Rosa Mendes to do it."

The final picture that comes on screen is that of Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Pyper grimaces a little. "And finally we have Edge and the General Manager of Smackdown, Vickie Guerrero. Undoubtedly they are WWE's current power couple, but shit, after Lita and now Vickie, it really gives you the impression that Edge will hit practically anything, right?"

"Once he got so drunk he hit on a passed-out Jeff Hardy," Azrael offers not so helpfully.

"Oh I know about that incident, I have pictures."

"Of course you do."

Pyper turns back to the camera. "Well, that's it for Pyper's top couples in pro-wrestling today! I'll be back next week with another list and another exciting theme! Bye-bye!" she waves gaily.

The camera switches back to Azrael, who clears her throat and says, "And now we have our top story for the week. Feast your eyes on this," she gestures to the LCD monitor.

On screen it shows Christian debuting on ECW, from his opening promo to his match against Jack Swagger. "That's right, Captain Charisma sans the Cage returned to WWE programming, ECW as it may be, and this Peep in particular could not be more stoked. I would have prefered an Edge and Christian reunion-slash-confrontation, but it's hard to complain when I get a chance to ogle Christian again."

Azrael then wraps things up, saying, "Anyway that brings us to the end of the first episode of Mouthpiece. We hope that you were entertained or, in the very least, not repulsed. We'll see you here next week for the fallout of No Way Out. Until then."

The show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

In the KeyArena at Seattle, Washington, a mere two hours before the start of the No Way Out PPV, Chris Jericho stared in horror at his laptop as the webisode ended. He thought those sisters had fallen off the planet; why in the hell would they choose that inopportune time to resurface??

He then shook his head and was resolved to shrug the matter off. So they started a piddly little online show, big deal. It would never catch on. And, provided they kept away and WWE hired decent security this time around, he wouldn't have to deal with them.

Taking his jacket, he walked off to go and get ready for the show, neglecting to notice as on the website the counter numbers began to turn…

To be continued…


	2. Legal and Binding

Okay, this chapter was ready like ten minutes before Sunday ended here, but due to technical malfunctions at we couldn't upload it. But we'll still consider this a on time! There are references to previous stories that are no longer up, but hopefully it's still easy to follow without them. It's a tad longer than the first chapter, which is bad as we're trying to keep each chapter under two thousand words. Ah, we tried to make it as entertaining as possible, though.

Date Uploaded: 22 February 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 2**

"Do you know that we got over twenty-six thousand hits on the first webisode?" O-Gee said, looking up at her sisters.

Azrael and Pyper, however, were too engrossed in glaring at each other to pay attention to her. "Your delivery of last week's show was totally boring," Pyper said grumpily to Azrael. "I know that compared to me everybody is sorely lacking in wit and pizzazz, but I at least expected you to give a little effort!"

"And what in the hell do you expect I do, huh, Pyper?" Azrael snapped back, glaring at her. "Don a stupid hat and make funny noises after each piece of news I deliver?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are, Jim Ross?" Pyper said dryly. "No, Azzie, come on, you have to mix things up for the next show; I can't keep carrying you, you know."

At that Azrael grabbed the handiest blunt object in her vicinity, which happened to be a Finlay replica shillelagh that Pyper herself had bought off eBay, and raised it threateningly. Pyper let out a shriek and tore out of the room, to which Azrael aimed carefully and flung the object at her retreating sister with all of her might. From outside the room there was a loud thunk and then a groan.

Azrael sighed and rolled her eyes. It was then that she noticed the abject mess the room was in. There were boxes of junk piled high everywhere, filled with things from books to old WWE merchandise to video tapes to God knew what else. "O-Gee, what is all this crap?" she asked.

O-Gee looked up from the laptop. "Pyper told me to clean out hers and your storage. I pulled everything out and fumigated the place, and so I've put everything here in the meantime until it's safe to put everything back again."

Azrael had gone to the nearest box labeled with her own handwriting and began to go through it. Presently she pulled out a smaller box marked 'contracts' and rifled through it. Azrael grinned. "So Pyper wants me to mix things up, eh? I think I just may be able to do that."

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 2 – Legal and Binding**

The show opens with Azrael at the set, only she is holding a thick sheaf of papers. She smiles at the camera and says, "Welcome to the second episode of Mouthpiece. Seeing as with the exception of No Way Out, it has been a somewhat slow news week in the wrestling-verse. And so, spurned by someone close to me to 'change things up', I've decided to pull out my little grab bag of tricks." She holds the papers up. "And by tricks I mean this happy bunch here called contracts."

"Contracts?" O-Gee's puzzled voice asks off screen.

"That's right," Azrael says. "Let me explain, folks. In my and Pyper's dealings with WWE and its personages, past and current, we have accumulated certain agreements over time. Now while they had been packed up in a box and gaining dust for a long period of time, I came upon them earlier and decided to dig a few out. Let's see, what do we have under contract number one?"

She pulls some papers and glances at them. "Ah, I can't believe I had nearly forgotten about this one. Borne off my old radio show, 'On Air', where I won half of the World Tag Team titles off Jericho in a bet, it states that whosoever holds that particular belt is my b*tch for the duration of his title reign." She looks up and asks, "Hey O-Gee, who are the current World Tag Team Champions?"

"John Morrison and the Miz," O-Gee replies.

"Sh*t," Azrael mutters. "Ah hell, this could be interesting. See if you can find out exactly which one holds the title that has the initials 'AZ' faintly engraved on the lower right corner behind the main plate."

"Okay."

"Wait a minute, hang on!" Pyper's voice suddenly cuts in and she appears onscreen, clutching a lump on the back of her head. "I still have a bone to pick with you for thumping me with that shillelagh earlier! And now you have the gall to start the show without me? I ought to... hey, what's that?" she asks, then noticing the papers.

"Contracts," Azrael says, pulling out the next one. "Hey, this one has your name on it. It says that Chris Jericho is obligated to spend one day a week with you under terms negotiated with help from the Undertaker. Huh, when did this happen?"

"I remember that one!" Pyper says happily, grinning. "It was when... Ah, I lost it. But, the important thing is that I still have it! And now I can go and show it to my Chrissie and FORCE him to spend quality time with me!"

Azrael has been scanning the document and presently says, "Uh, Pyper? Before you go running off in oodles of infatuated lunacy, check the expiration date on this thing. It ran out on July 2006."

"WHAT??" Pyper shrieks, grabbing the document and scanning it. "NO! WHY??" she howls. "Why are yours still valid??"

"Because I always date mine at least ten years from conception," Azrael says. "Or, if I can get away with it, lose a date and hold it indefinitely."

"You mean forever."

"Right, that too."

Pyper slumps to the floor in disappointment while Azrael checks more of the papers. "So, Pyper, do you want to get into your segment now while I keep thumbing through these?"

"What's the point?" Pyper groans. "I have no leverage, and when you're a stalker after Chris Jericho you thrive on leverage. But there is a clip that I prepared for this show. It's something Mickie James readied in order to break it to Kenny Dykstra that she was cheating on him. So roll it, O-Gee."

The screen switches to Mickie James in a hotel room, strumming softly on a guitar. "Hi Kenny. I've been meaning to find a good way to tell you something, but Melina convinced me that there is no good way and I should just blurt it right out. So here it is."

She strums out a fast beat and sings, "I'm f*cking John Cena."

The screen focuses on Cena sitting on a couch and with a smirk he sings, "She's f*cking John Cena."

"I'm not imagining it's you," Mickie sings. "I'm f*cking John Cena!"

"On the ropes, on the mat, on the ring posts and the ramp," John continues. "On a table, on the chairs, up a ladder in mid-air."

Mickie sings, "I'm f*cking John Cena."

"She's f*cking John Cena!" Cena sings, and then goes, "Hey Dykstra, I bet you miss these pom-poms," while gesturing to Mickie's chest.

The clip is stopped and Azrael is staring at the LCD monitor incredulously. "Holy shit. When did that happen, and why are you not more upset about that?" she asks Pyper.

"Haven't I explained to you how my fan girl psyche works?" Pyper asks her irritably. "It's ALWAYS been Jericho. Cena and the others are just eye candy on the side."

Azrael sighs. "Well, it's going to be hard to top that footage, so I'm not going to even try. Instead, here's contract number three," she pulls it out. "Huh, here's a one declaring me the owner of 6.1 million shares of grade A WWE stock. You think even with the recession that those might still be worth something?"

"Maybe," Pyper muses. "Or you could always sell them to Mick Foley at a deflated price. I'll bet he's kind of choking on becoming a major shareholder in TNA."

"Speaking of TNA, and here we might as well get on with some news, the Main Event Mafia officially imploded after Kurt Angle and Sting beat the crap out of each other in an empty arena brawl," Azrael says, turning back to the camera, as on the LCD a clip of the said match plays. "As for the Frontline… there seemed to have been less of an implosion than a dissipation – where in the hell did everybody go?"

As she is talking Pyper has been going through the contracts. "Hey, you've got an expired one too! This contract that states you are the Head Writer for WWE Creative fizzled out in mid-2007."

"Meh, that was a thankless job anyway," Azrael says, waving her hand flippantly. "Anyway, to more news." The LCD shows a split screen of Edge and Triple H holding the World Heavyweight and WWE Championships respectively. "Owing to forcing his way into the RAW Elimination Chamber match following shamefully losing his WWE title in three minutes, Edge captured the World Heavyweight Championship. It now looks like it will be Cena versus Edge and Randy Orton versus Triple H at Wrestlemania."

The LCD switches to the video of Triple H at the end of RAW last Monday. "Speaking of Triple H, he finally stepped into the Orton/McMahon feud after Stephanie McMahon ate an RKO. Do we have footage of Stephanie taking that hit?"

"Hang on a second," O-Gee calls from off screen.

A video of Stephanie getting struck on the head with a trash can lid courtesy of the British Bulldog plays. "No, not that one," Azrael says. The video then turns to a prone Stephanie lying in the middle of the ring, taking the People's Elbow from the Rock. "No, not that either." The video then switches to Triple H aiming for Benoit with the sledgehammer, only to hit Stephanie when his target ducks. "Shit, I had almost forgotten about that one," Azrael says, shaking her head. The video flashes again and this time shows Stephanie getting Stink-faced by Rikishi. "Do we have the f*cking video or not??" At that the video turns to Jericho forcing a kiss on Stephanie during a PPV.

Pyper immediately lets out a scream. "No, it's not that one! I thought I had destroyed all of the goddamn footage from that moment! I'll kill you for sticking that up there, you piss-off!" she shouts at O-Gee.

"Oh no, Pyper, please it was an accident!" O-Gee's voice can be heard saying off screen. "Azzie, HELP!!" she is heard shrieking, and then Pyper disappears off camera and furiously running feet can be heard.

"There they go," Azrael sighs. "Well, we're almost at the end of the show anyway, but we have one more contract to account for." She reaches for the papers and leafs through them, but then frowns as she apparently can't find what she's looking for. "Hang on a minute; I know it was in here somewhere, I remember putting it away…" Her head snaps up as she comes to a realization. "HE must have taken it… well I'm going to find a way to get it back. When you wager your soul, you live with the consequences."

She looks back at the camera and says, "It seems we've come to a somewhat premature end to the show. Join us again next week for what will hopefully be a more productive episode, although how productive Internet videos are I can't quite tell. Now I have to run off after those two nutjobs and find the a**clown who thought he could pilfer a binding contract. Until then."

The show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

At their hotel room in Asheville, North Carolina, Mike 'The Miz' Mizanin watched as the webisode came to an end and scoffed, "Half of the World Tag Team Championships? I'll bet that contract is totally bogus. I've never heard of that shit, have you, John?"

His tag team partner, John Morrison, didn't reply immediately. The Miz turned around to see him frantically pulling his championship belt out of the special carry case he had made for it. Morrison checked the back carefully and let out a sigh of relief. "There aren't any initials on it," he said, grinning. His smile wavered a moment later, though, as he gave Miz a worried look, "But then that means…"

"It means jack-shit, that's what," Miz said, getting up to retrieve his own belt. "Look, I'll prove to you that that chick is lying. Here, see?" he turned the belt around.

An on the lower right corner behind the main plate, engrave in the black leather, were the unmistakable initials 'AZ'. Morrison pointed to it while Miz gaped in abject horror. "Dude…" Morrison could only sputter, as Miz seemed to momentarily lose his ability to speak.

To be continued…


	3. Did We Mention He's a Tool?

First day of the month and here is episode three, right on time this time! In fact, it may be a little early, but consider it a make up for the delay of the last chapter. More chaos and a special guest ahead – enjoy!

Date Uploaded: 1 March 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 3**

"The Miz??" Azrael exclaimed, looking annoyed. "That cocky little pinhead? Why him??"

"Would you have preferred John Morrison?" O-Gee asked her.

Azrael thought about it. "Hmm, you're right. I haven't seen a guy so in love with himself since Chris Jericho discovered the mirror. But then again, with Morrison I'd at least have something to look at."

At that moment Pyper trudged onto the set. "Damnit, our special guest cancelled on us at the last minute. But don't worry, I, being the connected and resourceful person that I am, managed to scrounge up a replacement."

"Wait, I didn't even know we were having a special guest in the first place," Azrael said.

"Huh, I was pretty sure I slipped you a memo... Ah, well, it's probably best that you didn't know Christian was scheduled to be here or you would have gotten your hopes up for nothing, eh?" Pyper said.

"Yes, Pyper, how very thoughtful of you," Azrael remarked dryly. "Dare I ask who you got to replace him?"

"Randy Orton."

"WHAT??" Azrael immediately shrieked in a high-pitched voice. "Are you out of your mind?? Why him?? Doesn't he even remember who we are?? Why would he even agree to it??"

"Okay, let's go with quick answers," Pyper said, beginning to tick off on her fingers. "No I'm not, at least not yet according to my therapist. Because he is RAW's top heel and involved in the biggest WWE storyline. No, he probably doesn't remember us, or he would have no doubt turned us down. And he agreed to it because as of yesterday morning _Mouthpiece_ is the number two wrestling-based online show on the Internet, which gives us POWER! We're only second to _The Dirt Sheet_, but never fear, we'll overcome them as well! MWAHAHAHA!"

"We're really number two?" Azrael asked O-Gee, surprised.

"Yup," O-Gee said, nodding. "I think Pyper did a lot of promotion this past week."

"That I did," Pyper said, grinning proudly. "And now we have sponsorship offers just pouring in! Hah, told you I could be a competent businesswoman."

"I want to examine every single contract that comes through your hands before you sign it, is that understood??" Azrael immediately said to her.

Pyper pouted. "Oh fine. Hey, showtime's in ten minutes, chop, chop."

"Fuck that; I'm not doing this show with Randy Orton," Azrael declared.

"Not even if you get to talk him down?" Pyper asked. "It'll be fun!"

"I'm going to regret this," Azrael groaned.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 3: Did We Mention He's a Tool?**

The show opens with Azrael sitting on her stool, lips pursed, arms crossed, while Forever the Sickest Kids 'Whoa Oh! (Me vs Everyone)' plays in the background. She says nothing.

"Uh, Azzie, you're on," O-Gee reminds her from off screen.

"I know," Azzie says simply.

There is another moment of silence, and then O-Gee coughs uncertainly and says, "Ookay... I guess we'll have to go to Pyper and her segment then. Pyper?"

The camera turns to Pyper in her own set, where she is looking off screen at presumably Azrael. "Goddamnit, Azzie, are you still being difficult? I thought we talked this over five minutes ago. We're live, for crying out loud."

Azrael says something to her so obscene that it is completely bleeped out.

Pyper takes it all straight-faced and responds, "That's nice. She's your grandma too, you know." Pyper then looks into the camera. "All right, since Azrael is being less than cooperative at the moment, I guess I'll start the show. Welcome to the third episode of _Mouthpiece_, currently the people's second best chosen wrestling-based online show! I am Pyper, the infinitely cutest middle sister, perpetually wasted on Jerichohol."

The LCD monitor on her left changes to split images of Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn. "Last Sunday at the 81st Academy Awards, Mickey Rourke lost the Oscar to Sean Penn. As a consolation prize, Rourke was voted the best dressed man at the show by the Fashion Police. Chances of Rourke as Randy 'The Ram' Robinson taking on Sean Penn as Harvey Milk for Wrestlemania are slim, but would be total WIN. You hear me, Vince?? Book it, book it now!" she yells, and then says, "Time for the awesome quote of the day!"

The screen switches to a rather blurry still of CM Punk back in his independent wrestling days. "Here we have CM Punk cutting an entire promo while holding an invisible microphone. The crowd boos him mercilessly and one chick gets in his face."

The video plays and CM Punk can be seen "Let me explain something to you people… I would like complete silence when I'm talking!" He yells some more while people jeer over him, and then he goes over to a woman who is acting up the most. Punk holds the invisible microphone to her and she actually bends over to talk to it, whereupon he yells, "You dumb bitch, I'm not holding a microphone!"

Pyper grins and says, "Check it out on Youtube if you can folks, funny stuff." She then looks back off screen. "Are you ready to introduce our special guest now or are you still sulking?"

"F*ck you and the stupid pony you rode in on, Pyper," Azrael replies.

"Okay, I get it, you're still mad, but that didn't even make any sense."

"Whatever. Fine, let's get this over with," Azrael says.

The camera switches back to Azrael, and she is in the middle of fiddling with her cellphone. "You know who I suddenly hate right now? Jack Swagger. If not for him, I could be speaking to an uninjured Captain Charisma who could be the ECW Champion for the show. But noooo... I'm stuck with this guy."

At that moment 'Voices' by Rich Luzzi plays and Randy Orton himself stalks onto the set and takes the seat beside her. "Listen, what in the hell is your problem?" he demands of her, incensed. "Like I don't have enough on my plate trying to dodge a half-crazed Hunter 24/7s; he hasn't let up all week! Now you invite me here onto your show and since the start of it you've done nothing but pout and been completely difficult. Are you going to be one of those annoying jerkwads who decides to get preachy with me because you think I've been harassing the McMahon family?"

"No," Azrael says, finally looking at him. "I actually think the angle is pretty interesting, although beaten to death practically every week with pointless recaps anywhere WWE can squeeze them. And hey, you're not the first guy to lay out the McMahon family, and I certainly doubt you'll be the last."

"Okay, if that's so, then may I ask why in the f*ck you've been so against my appearance on this show?" Randy asks in perfectly controlled anger.

"Because I think you're a tool," Azrael responds bluntly. "In fact, whenever you cut a promo I just mute the damn TV and provide your own words myself so that all you say is, 'I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I am a gigantic tool. I find spray-on tans in burnt orange sexy. Check out the size of these thighs. Did I mention I'm a tool?'"

"It's true, she really does it," O-Gee offers not so helpfully.

"Plus IED? Who in the f*ck do you think you're fooling?" Azrael continues. "I'd say the only thing you're suffering from is Boring Drone Syndrome. Inject a little personality into your goddamn promos and maybe I'll actually listen to them instead of providing color commentary like, 'Randy Orton will probably willingly whore himself out to two dozen fat chicks and Richard Simmons if it meant that he'd get unlimited access to a tanning salon, an on-call tattoo artist, and the rest of the illegal stash confiscated from the Signature Pharmacy scandal for the next two weeks—'"

Azrael is suddenly cut off when Randy jumps up from his seat and RKOs her to the ground. O-Gee shrieks as Randy looks down off screen, seemingly stunned at what he's just done. Pyper jumps in front of the camera, saying, "Cut, O-Gee, cut the f*cking live feed! Show's over, woman down, woman down! Call the EMTs!"

"We don't have EMTs!" O-Gee wails.

It is then that Randy notices somebody off to the side, blurts out an expletive that isn't bleeped out, and then bolts. A split second later The Game suddenly runs past the camera view, sledgehammer in hand, still intently chasing after Randy Orton, as in the background a flustered Pyper is trying to rouse an apparently quite unconscious Azrael.

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

At a coffee shop in Glen Falls, New York, Maria Kanellis stared in open-mouthed horror as she re-watched the ending of the week's episode of _Mouthpiece _on her laptop. Beside her she heard Montel Vontavius Porter, otherwise known as MVP, give a small snicker. She smacked him on the arm indignantly. "That wasn't funny!" she said.

"Oh come on, Maria, it's a little funny," MVP defended, rubbing his arm.

"No it's not," Maria insisted, turning back to the screen. "I really like this show, and then Randy came on and attacked the host?? That was mean; she's a fan and she didn't deserve that!"

"Who didn't deserve what?" another voice asked, and the two of them looked up to see Jeff Hardy pass by, a blended coffee piled high with whipped cream in hand.

"Here, watch this," Maria said, turning the laptop towards him and then replaying the last few moments.

Jeff watched and promptly sprayed blended mocha at the screen, ignoring Maria's yell for him to be careful. "I used to work for that crazy harpy! I never thought I'd see... I gotta tell Chris!" he exclaimed. The younger Hardy then tore out of the coffee shop, leaving Maria to grumpily wipe down her laptop and MVP to stare quizzically at Jeff's fast-moving form.

To be continued…


	4. Soldiering On

A little uninspired and somewhat lackluster, but we hope that we're still able to deliver some chuckles! A little more story development, but we have a sinking feeling that all the little plot points will start to overlap each other and confuse even us! But before that fateful day comes, here is chapter four.

Date Uploaded: 08 March 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 4**

"We have to soldier on; you do realize that, right, O-Gee?" Pyper said, patting her younger sister on the back.

If O-Gee heard her, she gave no indication of it, instead sniffing and looking forlornly at a picture of her eldest sister. It showed Azrael 'accidentally' pouring hot coffee on the crotch of Vince McMahon's pants, taken quite a few years ago. "But, Azzie, she's not here, she's gone!"

"She would have wanted us to go on without her," Pyper said soothingly.

"Don't talk about me like I'm dead and cremated, you two psychotic piss-offs," Azrael's annoyed voice came from the speakerphone on the end table. "I'm only confined to bed up until tomorrow."

"I know, O-Gee, it's like I can still hear her voice too," Pyper said with a melodramatic sigh.

"Will we ever see her again?" O-Gee asked, looking at Pyper.

"Maybe one day, O-Gee," Pyper said, looking poignantly heavenward, "One sweet day."

"Oh for fuck's sake," came the snarl from the speakerphone. "Just start the goddamn show before I decide to get out of this bed and go and stomp all over you two shit-heads." And with that the phone was slammed down, leaving the two listening to a rather loud dial tone.

"Then again, maybe we should be looking that way," Pyper said, tilting hers and O-Gee's heads downwards.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 4: Soldiering On**

The show starts with Pyper sitting in Azrael's usual place on the set, with 'Viva La Vida' by Coldplay playing in the background. She clears her throat and somberly says, "Greetings. Out faithful viewers will no doubt be aware as to why I'm sitting here, but for those who aren't here is a recap."

A video is then shown of what happened last week, with dramatic close up shots of Randy Orton and Azrael trading insults before Randy ultimately RKO's the latter to the ground. The RKO itself is theatrically slowed down and shown in three different angles, one in sepia tone and one in black and white, WWE-style.

It then reverts back to Pyper, who says, "Despite the fact that our dearest Azzie is not with us, O-Gee and I have decided to remain strong and vigilant, and continue with delivering our show, _Mouthpiece_, to our loyal viewers."

The LCD monitor on her right then turns to a picture of John Morrison and the Miz on _The Dirt Sheet_. "And so let's get right to it," Pyper says. "John Morrison and the Miz kicked off the latest episode of _The Dirt Sheet_ with this proclamation."

The video on the LCD then cuts to full screen and plays. Morrison says, "… My name is john Morrison, and last week it was proclaimed that when Michelangelo constructed the torso of God he had had a divine, prophetic vision of me."

"And I am the Chick Magnet, the Miz!" Miz follows up. "And first off, I would just like to go on the record that I belong to no one but myself! No amount of sketchy engravings on the back of title belts will change that! In fact, if anyone's doing any owning around here, it would be the Chick Magnet, you hear that, Azrael??"

"Christ, Miz," Morrison says, turning to look at him, "The woman is probably still in a hospital recovering from that RKO. What's gotten into you?"

"We have to strike while they're down, John," Miz explains to him. "We have the advantage now that the leader is incapacitated. I mean, they're suddenly the second most popular wrestling-based Internet show and they're looking to take us down. Plus there's that whole 'owning thing'…"

"Which would be your problem, not mine."

"Yeah, well, what about them targeting our spot? That's as much a problem of yours as it is mine!"

Morrison appears to be considering this for a moment before saying, "Do they have anybody who looks like me on their show?"

"No," Miz replies.

"Then I don't see how we have a problem," Morrison says, shrugging it off.

The video ends. Pyper looks irate. "All right, Miz's stupid rant aside, you want a ratings war, b*tches?? You got it! So here, _Mouthpiece_ presents an exclusive video, never before seen, of Vickie Guerrero's bachelorette party, two days before her wedding! Roll it, monkeys!"

"Monkeys?" O-Gee asks off screen.

"Just roll the video!" Pyper yells at her.

The video plays. In a private room at a strip joint, Vickie Guerrero is seated at the end of a walkway with a pole on it; Victoria, Natalya, Beth Phoenix, Candice Michelle, Melina and her wedding planner have joined her.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," Beth mutters and then turns to Victoria. "Why did you bring me here?"

"Vickie had to fill out her list of girlfriends," Victoria whispers to her.

Onstage the head of, surprisingly enough, Kenny Dykstra, appears from behind the red curtain. "Hey Vickie, are you sure that if we do this you'll be able to resurrect us as a stable again?" he asks the Smackdown GM.

"I'm the General Manager, I can do anything!" Vickie responds cockily, and rather tipsily, owing to the four glasses of champagne already consumed. "I can get you back in a snap for as long as you put on a good show. Now get to it!"

The girls then cheer as the remix song from _Bring It On_ plays and the Spirit Squad troop out onstage in their green and white sweatsuits. They then proceed to chant and cheer, gradually stripping until they are down to just green thongs with tiny green and white pompoms on the front. The video ends with Vickie gleefully stuffing a dollar bill down Mikey's crotch front.

The camera cuts back to Pyper, who looks totally disgusted. "Eww… U guess we should have watched that before we played it back, huh?"

O-Gee says off screen, "I kept my eyes closed. Azzie always said that if it involved Vickie Guerrero and/or Edge in any way, shape or form, I should keep them closed."

"Yes, we will heed her words well," Pyper concedes, nodding. "Anyway, there's more where that came from, and not limited to any one wrestling personality, oh no – we even have archives dating back to 2000! Now…" she is stopped when voices are heard off screen. "Hey, what's going on back there?"

"We have a visitor!" O-Gee says off screen.

At that Trish Stratus surprisingly walks onto the set. Pyper is genuinely surprised as she offers the former WWE Women's Champion a seat. "Trish, what are you doing here?"

Trish takes a seat beside her and says, "Well I saw what happened to Azrael and decided to pay her a visit and see how she's doing; I didn't realize you were doing a taping of the show…"

"I thought you and Azzie hated each other," Pyper says.

"I made my peace with Azrael a long time ago," Trish says, smiling. "Having taken an RKO myself in the past, among other things, I thought I would offer some support."

"You want to mock her when she's down, don't you?" Pyper guesses.

"Precisely. She would do the same for me. It's a healthy relationship."

"I see. You know, if you really want to turn things into another b*tch fight you could go stick your tongue down Chris Sabin's throat."

"I'll keep that in mind," Trish says.

"Trish Stratus, everybody!" Pyper says, and Trish smiles and waves to the camera before leaving the set.

Pyper clears her throat as the Wrestlemania 25 logo appears on the LCD monitor. "Well, with just twenty-eight days to go before Wrestlemania, five competitors for the infamous Money in the Bank match have been determined: CM Punk, Kane, Mark Henry, MVP and Shelton Benjamin. How in the f*ck Henry is going to boost his ass up a ladder I have no idea, but I wouldn't want to be under that goddamn thing when it happens, I'll tell you that. And that's all we have for the show today. Thank you for watching, and remember to hold your big sister dear because you never know when that crazy sonofabitch Randy Orton will come by to drop a big RKO on her. See you all next week."

The show ends with a black screen with the words, 'This episode is lovingly dedicated to Azrael' scrawled over it in suitably flowered font.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

Backstage at an arena in Savannah, Georgia, Randy Orton finished watching the webisode and rolled his eyes. "One RKO and it's like the biggest scandal since Chris punched that woman," he scoffed.

"It is the biggest scandal since Chris punched that woman, dill-hole!" THE Brian Kendrick snapped at him, causing Jericho to give him an angry scowl.

Randy Orton gave an annoyed grunt and turned around to look at the four people who had crowded around him. "Listen, I don't know why in the hell you guys are so paranoid about this incident! Azrael had no right to say all those things to me. Are you all seriously telling me that you wouldn't have done the same thing if given the chance?"

"You endured her for less than five minutes, junior," Chris Jericho said to him, arms crossed, frowning. "I've put up with the godforsaken woman for the past seven fucking years."

"I lost forty grand in one sitting to that woman and not once did I think of hitting her with the Unprettier," Christian chimed in.

"I actually worked for Azrael for a while, and it was the most excruciating six months of my life," Jeff Hardy said. "But through it all it never crossed my mind to Swanton Bomb her through a table, ever."

"And I was teased mercilessly for looking, in her words, like a 'freshly-scrubbed twelve-year-old boy who could play the Madonna in an all-boys rendition of the Nativity scene'," Kendrick said, frowning. "Do you know how hard I worked to shake off the nickname 'Spanky'? And yet she still insists on calling me that – and I think Pyper may have stole one of my jackets three weeks ago."

"See our point is, Randall, that no matter how glorious a pain in the ass Aramis can be, there has been one unspoken rule," Jericho said, talking as if he were explaining things to a slow child. "Anybody who does not earn his or her career in a wrestling ring is OFF LIMITS. And you know why?"

"No, Jericho, why don't you tell me?" Randy said to him sarcastically.

"I'm sorry to bother you folks," a new voice said, and they turned to see a FedEx courier with a package in one hand and a clipboard in the other, "But I have a delivery for Mr Randy Orton?"

"That's me," Randy said, taking the package. He tore it open and then rifled through the sheaf of papers before letting out an exclamation. "Motherfuck, the bitch is suing me for assault with intent to cause actual bodily harm!"

"That's why, chumpstain," Christian said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Uh, would you mind signing here for receipt, sir?" the courier asked, holding up his clipboard as Randy continued to gape at the lawsuit in his hands.

To be continued…


	5. Copious Amounts of Moolah

Roughly half a day late, TNA's Destination X is about over, although we haven't checked on the results yet. This is rather longish, possibly as an unconscious peace offering. Enjoy.

Date Uploaded: 15 March 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 5**

"… I am requiring him to pay damages equal to the amount of my hospital bills and what I would have earned during the week he thought it quaint to put me out of action with that fucking RKO," Azrael said into her cellphone, apparently talking to her lawyer. "I'd say he should be thankful I didn't push emotional distress or some other bullshit."

"Besides, we all know it would be a lie," Pyper piped up from where she was applying lipstick in front of a mirror. "The only emotions you have range from mild annoyance to pure fury."

At that Azrael reached over, picked up a Stone Cold bobblehead toy that was surprisingly within reach, and then chucked it at Pyper, hitting her between the shoulder blades. "As I was saying," she said, resuming her telephone conversation, "I won't settle for a penny less. Tell Orton that I'll meet his bogus fucking countersuit head on. Provocation indeed." And with that she ended the call.

"You really think Randy will pay up?" O-Gee asked from her desk, laptop in front of her.

"Absolutely not," Azrael replied, "At least not of his own accord. He'll drag this in front of a judge and jury if he has to."

Pyper grouchily gave up trying to rub the sore spot on her back, which was the precise area she couldn't quite reach, and turned to her older sister. "You know, it's never a good idea to throw bobbleheads at someone you've requested a favor from, especially if said someone is also celebrating her birthday today. I thought you agreed to be nice to me for a full twenty-four hours!"

"You agreed to waive that when I promised to gift you with 'funding' for your next experiment to be conducted in that lab of yours," Azrael reminded her.

"Oh yeah," Pyper said.

"Besides, what I asked for was hardly a chore for you," Azrael said dryly, going to adjust something on the camera. "I said, 'Hunt down Chris Jericho and get back the contract he pilfered from me.' I'll bet you were halfway out the door before I could finish that sentence."

"Try halfway down the street," O-Gee said. "I had to chase after her with both her license and her pants."

"Snitch," Pyper grumbled at her.

"So did you find it?" Azrael asked Pyper impatiently.

"No. Chrissie said that he didn't have it," Pyper answered.

"Jericho told you that," Azrael said disbelievingly.

Pyper nodded. "Yeah, we had a civilized conversation over coffee and scones at Starbucks."

"Really?" O-Gee asked.

"Okay, so replace 'civilized' with 'screaming', 'coffee and scones' with 'ropes and chloroform' and 'Starbucks' with 'a deserted alleyway' and you still have basically the same thing," Pyper said.

"So you didn't manage to be it out of him," Azrael said, frowning.

Pyper shrugged. "Second time's the charm. It merely gives me another reason to visit my Chrissie again."

Azrael groaned. "Let's just start the show."

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 5 – ****Copious Amounts of Moolah**

The show starts with Azrael back at her usual seat, 'Gives you Hell' by The All-American Rejects playing in the background. "Salutations and welcome to _Mouthpiece_, your premiere resource for various f*cked up sh*t on your favorite WWE and TNA stars. My name is Azrael—"

The camera is suddenly swerved to the left to show Pyper, who lets go of the lens and beams. "And I am the awesomely magnificent Pyper! Today, faithful viewers, I would like to draw attention to a stupendously beatific celebration, the birthday of none other than yours truly. A grand party will be held two hours after the show finishes, and if you're willing to fork over a suitably fabulous gift then you're all invited! The address is at 557—"

She is cut off when Azrael jerks the camera back to focus on her. "That is enough, Pyper; I am not boosting the f*cking catering to accommodate hundreds upon thousands of people!" She looks back at the camera and says, "Forget what she just said. And another thing – contrary to what you may have seen on the last episode, I am not dead."

"We never said you were," Pyper's voice comes huffily off screen.

"You f*cking implied the hell out of it," Azrael responds, irritated.

"Four swear words within two minutes," O-Gee suddenly says.

"Christ, are we being censored now or something?" Azrael asks. "Why are you keeping count?"

At that Pyper steps into screen, sets up a chart with a various columns in two different colors, adjusts her glasses and takes out a pointer. "Ahem, let me explain. Through my extensive research I've determined that the vital quotient that keeps _The Dirt Sheet_ above us in ratings is the 7-12 age group." She points at the chart and continues, "With the introduction of WWE's PG product, and with their no-no policy on saying this worse than 'hell' or 'crap', they have a nice, firm hold on this target audience. Our profanity-laced show, courtesy mostly of you, Azzie, on the other hand, pulls an overall M-18 rating, effectively blocking us from certain servers by Net Nanny programs installed by parents to keep the pristine, cherubic eyes and ears of their darling children unsullied."

Azrael has been scrutinizing the data as she talks, looking wholly unimpressed. "You are aware that children learn profanity predominantly in the home and on the playground, right?"

"Not the point, Azzie," Pyper says, retracting her pointer.

"F*ck that, we're a show that reports on sweaty, half-naked men grappling each other for a living, with scantily clad women thrown in here and there," Azrael says. "There is no PG product, no matter how cutesy you make a super-deformed Undertaker look. I say f*ck the 7-12 age group (not literally); we should focus on the smarks, from the disillusioned to the crazed. And let's start right now."

With that Azrael shoves Pyper and her chart clear off the screen. The uncovered LCD monitor then brings up the TNA Destination X logo. Azrael says, "TNA's Destination X is less than a few hours away, whereupon the match I in particular will be looking forward to is the Ultimate X for the X Division title. Here to promote the PPV is our special guest for the week, none other than TNA Majority Shareholder, Mick Foley."

'Bang Bang' by Dale Oliver plays. Mick Foley walks on and joins Azrael on set, waving to the camera. "Welcome to _Mouthpiece_, Mick," Azrael greets him.

"Glad to be here, Azzie," Mick says to her. "Before we start I would like to wish Pyper a Happy Birthday."

"See, Mick loves me!" Pyper yells off screen.

"Shut up and go order your own cake," Azrael tells her.

Mick chuckles and says, "You sisters never change. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"You mean since we teamed up and tried to take on Vince McMahon with our own promotion?" Azrael says. "Then yeah, I suppose it's been a while."

"I haven't thought about the AFWA in years," Mick says.

"Can't have been that long, you adapted 'Frontline' into TNA. But enough about that, tell us about Destination X."

"Well we have an incredible line up," Mick says. "As you mentioned there is the Ultimate X for the X Division title, which has the young guns Consequences Creed, Jay Lethal, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley the champion, as well as the in-ring debut of Suicide."

"Now I forget, is it still Chris Daniels under that mask or has Kaz resumed the role?" Azrael asks.

"Azzie, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh fine, be that way," Azrael says, rolling her eyes. "Now you're going to be the special guest enforcer for the World Heavyweight title match between Kurt Angle and Sting following what happened last iMPACT, right?"

"That's right," Mick says, nodding. "But make no mistake, Azrael, regardless of what the Main Event Mafia has done to myself and Jeff Jarrett these past few months, we will call this match straight down the middle, if for nothing than for respect for Sting, who deserves it."

"How very noble," Azrael says to him, "I, on the other hand, would kick Kurt in the balls and then make a fast three count."

Mick grins and says, "You have your way of dealing with things and we have ours. But as for the rest of the card, there's AJ Styles and Booker T finally going one-on-one in the ring since AJ made off with Booker T's Legends belt. The latest addition was Abyss versus Matt Morgan in a 10,000 tacks match, and then there is Sojourner Bolt taking on Awesome Kong for the Knockout championship. Oh, and there's also the finals for the One Night With ODB contest."

"Hmm, yes, I've seen the audition tapes. I believe she got a few gems there," Azrael says dryly. "So, in light of what's been happening at TNA, Mick, would you say that you made a sound decision in becoming the majority shareholder in the company?"

"I'd say I did, yes."

"Any chance I could interest you in 6.1 million shares of grade A WWE stock at a drastically reduced price?" Azrael asks. "It would be a good thing to hang over Vince McMahon's head."

"Thanks but no thanks, Azzie," Mick declines, "I don't think I'm in the market to make another big purchase quite so soon. You hang on to them, though; they could come very handy in the long run."

"Oh all right," Azrael says with a sigh. "Well, I would like to thank you, Mick…"

All of a sudden a loud thumping can be heard and then a door is violently thrown open. This is followed by a joyous squeal, and a familiar raised voice. Both Azrael and Mick look up in surprise as Chris Jericho trudges onto the set, all the while trying to pry Pyper off his waist, with O-Gee pulling in vain to keep them both off camera.

"Oh Azzie, you knew exactly what to get me for my birthday!" Pyper happily cries, still clutching at Jericho with a fan girl's death grip.

"Get OFF me, you nut, I'm not here for you!" Jericho yells at her, attempting to shake her off.

"Oh come on, Chris, don't be that way; look how happy you've made your faithful Jerichoholic," Mick Foley says to him.

"Shut it, Mike!"

"Jericho, what in the hell are you doing here??" Azrael demands.

Jericho glares at her. "You f*cking lost the contract to my soul?? Are you insane?? That sh*t is binding for as long as I'm alive, and you're telling me that it's missing??"

Azrael blinks, stunned. "Christ, so you really don't have it?"

"I would have destroyed it and lorded it over you long ago if I did!" Jericho yells.

"Huh, you've got a point there," Azrael muses.

"Don't give me that f*cking look," Jericho tells her, "Tell me where you last saw that godforsaken document so I can go and retrieve it myself!"

Azrael turns to O-Gee and asks, "O-Gee, when you were cleaning out the storage did you leave any of the boxes unattended at any one time?"

O-Gee thinks about it and says, "Uh, maybe for a while when I took a break to play with the dogs."

"And when you say for a while, how long would that be?

"Uh, about for hours," O-Gee sheepishly confesses.

Azrael groans. "Sh*t, it could be with anyone."

Jericho groans as well. "And with any luck, it's ended up in the hands of someone even worse than you!" He wedges one hand between his waist and Pyper's arm and finally yanks her off of him. "That's it, I'm going to find the assclown who's got it, destroy it, and finally be done with all this shit!" And with that Jericho runs quickly from the set.

"Damnit, do you know how hard it is to bind a soul to a contract? It doesn't take just copious amounts of moolah!" Azrael says, panicked. "I have to find it before that jerkwad gets to it!" And then she gets up and abruptly leaves as well.

Pyper picks herself up and glares at where the two of them disappeared to. "Wait! What about my goddamn party? What about ME?? I should be the most important thing today, not some stupid document that binds my Chrissie's soul to whoever holds it…" she trails off as she realizes what she just said. "Wait, so then that means if I have it…"

"Finally put two and two together, eh, Pyper?" Mick says.

"Yeah!" Pyper says, pumping her fist in the air. "But then… oh crap, I have to find it before the other two do!" And so finally even Pyper runs off, leaving just O-Gee and Mick on the set.

"So what do we do now?" O-Gee asks.

"I guess you have to end the show," Mick tells her.

"Uh, okay… Um…" O-Gee clears her throat and turns a bright smile to the camera. "_Mouthpiece_ would like to thank Mick Foley for coming on the show. Until next episode, where Azzie and Pyper will be back, I hope, this is O-Gee signing off! Bye!" She and Mick then wave to the camera.

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

In Orlando, Florida, waiting for the start of Destination X, Velvet Skye watched the webisode come to an end on her pink laptop and then turned to her companions and said, "You know, Mick like totally forgot to mention our match against Taylor, Roxxi and the Governor."

"I told you, the man is growing old and senile, plus there are all those shots to the head that he's taken over the years," Angelina Love said, brushing her hair. "I'm surprised he can remember to put pants on in the morning."

The door to their dressing room then opened Madison Rayne stepped inside, a manila envelope in hand. "Hey guys, this was outside addressed to the Beautiful People."

"Ooh, let me see," Velvet said, taking the envelope from her and tearing it open. She scanned the sheaf of papers and gave a sigh, "I thought it might be something interesting, like tickets to a concert or free beauty treatments. It just looks like some legal document."

"Throw it away," Angelina said flippantly, turning the curling iron on.

"Wait, let me see," Kute Kip spoke up from where he had been doing pushups in the corner. He got up and looked at it. "Holy shit."

"What? If it's not important I can use it to blot my lipstick," Velvet said to him.

"No, Velvet, this is big," Kip said, sitting down and still reading the document. "This is the contract the binds one Chris Jericho to the holder of the document."

"You're joking," Angelina said, turning to him in surprise.

"What would it be doing here?" Madison wondered.

Both Velvet and Angelina had taken the document from Kip and were looking through it eagerly. "Who cares," Angelina said. "What matters is that we have it, and that we can use it," she said, grinning deviously while Velvet giggled beside her.

To be continued…


	6. Santino’s Casa Part Deux!

We're overshot our 2000-word quota per chapter again… we really ought to be shortening these, but with so many things being crammed in it's been difficult. We'll try our best for the next chapter.

… And for anybody interested, there really is a Howmuchisyoursoulworth-com. You'll find out what we're talking about at the end of the chapter.

Date Uploaded: 22 March 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 6**

"But I can't do this alone!" O-Gee whined.

"Yes, you can," Azrael's firm voice came from the speakerphone, "You've watched both me and Pyper do it for five episodes now, you know how it goes. Just follow the outline."

"What outline??" O-Gee cried.

"Uh, Azzie?" this time it was Pyper's voice that floated out of the machine, "We always talked about having an outline but never committed anything to paper, remember? The outlines were always in our heads."

"Fuck-damnit, how could we have just let that go?" Azrael said.

"Looks like you're just going to have to wing it, O-Gee," Pyper said to the only member of their trio on set.

This panicked the youngest of the sisters even more. "What??"

"I know you aren't half as cute and charming as me, and nowhere as authoritative and intimidating as Azzie, but manage with what you have, okay?" Pyper said.

"We'll be back next week," Azrael added.

"B-But…"

"No blubbering," Pyper snapped. "If you're going to blame anyone blame the Beautiful People. Speaking of which, they will pay. Anyway, don't mess up, okay O-Gee? We'll be watching!"

At that the other end of the call was hung up and the sound of the dial tone came from the speakerphone. O-Gee stared at it incredulously.

"I am so dead," she finally groaned.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 6 – Santino's Casa Part Deux!**

The show starts with 'That's What You Get' by Paramore playing in the background, and O-Gee is seated in the host's regular position.

O-Gee swallows nervously and says, "Uh, hello viewers, and welcome to _Mouthpiece_. If you're wondering why I'm here and, well, alone, a few things happened between last episode and now. I followed Azzie with a camera and this is what happened."

She leaves the seat for a moment to apparently activate the video. It shows Azrael walking backstage at the TNA iMPACT Zone. "So I hired a private investigator to track down the contract to Chris Jericho's soul," Azrael explains as she walks. "And, surprisingly enough, it led to here. And so now—"

She is suddenly cut off when a figure rounds the corner and bumps into her. "Hey, watch where you're going!"

"Pyper!" Azrael exclaims, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Aw, damnit, I was hoping to get here before you," Pyper groans.

"How did you even get here so quickly??"

"I tailed your private investigator," Pyper explains in turn, making Azrael seethe. "Through my awesome stealth sneaking abilities he never noticed – not very competent of him, wouldn't you say? He also charged a seventy-dollar lobster meal to your bill by the way; I thought you ought to know."

The two of them reach their destination – the door to the Beautiful People's dressing room, where raised voices can already be heard inside. Neither of them hesitate or bother with knocking, instead choosing to barge right on in. Inside they find Angelina Love and Velvet Skye in the middle of a very loud argument with one Chris Jericho.

"… It's got my f*cking name on the contract, so it would stand to reason that the document belongs to me!" Jericho is yelling.

"No, it says that whoever HOLDS the contract effectively OWNS YOU," Angelina says to him smugly, hands on her hips. "We actually sat down and read the whole thing, you know."

"I'll bet that was an entertaining ninety-six hours too," Jericho said, rolling his eyes, before noticing the sisters at the door. "Sh*t, how did you two catch up to me??"

"PI," Azrael says to him. "How did you get here?"

"Kip James called me," Jericho replies.

"Which we told him not to do," Velvet says pointedly, "And for that Kute Kip is on indefinite probation from Mi Pi Sexy."

"How is that even a proper sorority??" Pyper says dryly.

Azrael ignores her and holds out her hand. "All right, fun's over, I want my contract back now."

"Excuse me, but I don't see your name on it, Little Miss Ishmael," Velvet says.

"Azrael," Azrael snaps, correcting her.

"Whatever," Angelina says flippantly, rolling her eyes. "The point is the contract is in the hands of the Beautiful People, and we're not about to give it up to any loser who walks in here and demands it."

"So I'll just take it then," Jericho says.

"Ah-ah-ah," Angelina stops him, wagging a finger in his face. "You're on TNA grounds now, honey, and Spike TV's 'No man-on-woman violence' applies here."

"I don't see a camera," Jericho says.

"There's one," Velvet replies, pointing straight at the camera O-Gee is using to videotape everything.

"GodDAMNIT," Jericho says, frustrated.

"Hello, you forget that the two of us are still here," Pyper suddenly reminds them. "Last I checked I still had fully functioning girl parts, and I'm pretty sure Azzie does too."

Azrael looks at her incredulously. "What just one goddamn moment – I think you're forgetting the fact that I DON'T do any of the physical stuff."

"You're not going to make me take them on alone, are you??" Pyper says to her, flabbergasted.

"Wait, there's an easier way to do this," Jericho says, and before anybody can ask him what he means, he goes over and turns off the camera.

The view returns to where O-Gee is once again getting back in the host's seat on set. "After that Jericho did try to get the contract away by force, but then Madison Rayne crept up behind him and hit him over the head with a Versace bag holding a sledgehammer. Pyper started a fight with both Angelina Love and Velvet Skye while Azzie told me she'd hold the camera while I helped out. Pyper pulled her in, though, and when the guards finally came to separate all of them, they found out that the contract had gone missing again. As a result both Pyper and Azzie are on the injured list, Azzie for the second time already since the show started, and we're only a month and a half in! So now…"

She is suddenly interrupted when someone comes onto the set. Before O-Gee can say anything, Santino Marella steps on camera with her.

"Wait, Santino?" O-Gee asks, surprised. "What are you—?"

"Quiet, O-Jay," Santino says, brushing her questions off. "I am here to save your pitiful show. No, that's-a not quite right… I'm here to take over your show! I'm calling it _Santino's Casa Part Deux!_"

"What??" O-Gee exclaims loudly.

A brand new video splash comes on for Santino's new show, with a buff cartoon Santino flashing a cheesy grin over a giant yellow and red logo. When the view returns to the set a poster of the Leaning Tower of Pisa is draped over the background. O-Gee is starting to look more panicked than ever.

Santino smiles at the camera but addresses O-Gee. "You're looking confused, O-Jay; let me explain. After _Mouthpiece_ slighted myself and my beautiful Glamazon in the first episode, I sent Rosa Mendes to 'snoop around', as-a you say. She came back with a bunch of papers I easily recognized to be a contract. Seeing as-a I have no use for Chris Jericho's soul, I decided too use it to draw your two older sisters away from the set. By then _Mouthpiece_ had overtaken me in the ratings, which was a fluke, I'm-a sure, but a noticeable fluke. I did not appreciate it. So now I have taken over and _Mouthpiece_ is no more! Instead bask in the glory that is _Santino's Casa Part Deux!_"

"You can't do that!" O-Gee argues.

"I can and I have," Santino tells her. "Run along now, O-Jay; Señor Marella has a show to do."

He shoos O-Gee off the set, but as she leaves she pulls out her cellphone.

Santino turns back to the camera. "Now, to celebrate the start of my new show, I have commissioned…"

He is cut off as Beth Phoenix suddenly stomps onto the set. "Beth, angel, how nice of you to join me for the launch of my new show," Santino says to her.

Beth glares at him and says, "Let me get this straight, Santino. You had the contract to Jericho's soul in hand and you used it to get yourself another online show?"

"Er, y-yes," Santino replies. "But I was going to share it with you! In fact, let's call it _Glamarella's Casa_, how does that sound?"

Beth twitches in anger and asks, "Did you ever think that I might want that contract?"

"What would you-a want with Chris Jericho when you have the stud that is Santino Marella??"

Beth is noticeably trying to keep her temper as she says, "Chris Jericho is one of the most influential stars in WWE. If we owned his soul we can harness some of the influence for ourselves."

Santino takes a moment to think this over before saying, "No, I don't see it."

Beth slaps a hand to her forehead in exasperation. "Sometimes, Santino, I really wonder…"

"Don't worry, Beth, I know I induce wonder in all beautiful young women," Santino says smugly.

Beth is clearly done dealing with Santino as she takes her cellphone and calls up somebody. "Hello, Rosa? Yes, it's me, Beth. Do you think you can track that contract of Jericho's again for me? Great, I'll meet you there." With that the Glamazon snaps her cellphone shut and then abruptly leaves the set.

"Hey, wait!" Santino calls after her. "What about my show? What about _Casa Part Deux's_ pilot show??" He sighs and then turns back to the camera. "Ah, well, the host is still here, and I am the most important person, right?" he gives a cheesy grin.

"Anyway, seeing as it is the Lenten season, pious and religious people have been giving up various things for the eternal salvation of their souls, or something like that. I have commissioned a few of the WWE superstars in sharing what they have sacrificed for Lent."

A video of Shawn Michaels comes on. He smiles and says, "This year for Lent I've given up two things; eating meat, and arbitrarily super-kicking people in public who piss me off. That's why I let you off yesterday for telling me that I had no chance against the Undertaker at WM25, Larry, but when Easter Sunday rolls around, expect to hear a little Sweet Chin Music. Yeah, that. But mostly the meat."

Another video plays, this time of Jillian Hall, who says, "I've given up chocolate for Lent, even though I absolutely love the stuff. On the plus side, it's forced me to concentrate of something more productive, like my singing. And it's paid off too, listen to this!" she then launches into an ear-splitting version of Beyoncé's 'Diva', while in the background Mickie James holds up a sign advertising reinforced, completely soundproof earplugs.

A third video plays, showing Shad Gaspar of Cryme Tyme grinning into the camera, while behind him JTG appears to be digging through something. "For this year, JTG and I have decided to give up on stealin'—"

"Hey yo, Shad, look what I found," JTG says, coming up to him with what is unmistakably William Regal's pre-match robe. "What do you think we can get for it?"

Shad looks at him, at the robe, and then back to the camera, saying, "—for ourselves. For forty days it's all about takin' for the benefit of other people."

"Uh, right," JTG says, noticing the camera. A boy passes by and he grabs him by the shoulder. "Here, kid, take this," he says, dumping the robe in the boy's arms. "Get yourself a couple of hundred bucks on eBay for that sh*t."

"Cool," the boy exclaims as he runs off.

The videos come to an end and it focuses back on Santino on set. "I myself have no vices, but have decided that—"

This time he is interrupted when the door opens and Jesse and Festus suddenly amble onto the set, both of them wearing overalls with the words 'Jesse and Festus Moving Company' on them.

"What do you think you're-a doing here??" Santino demands angrily.

"Well we received a call asking us to come down and move something out of here," Jesse says, grinning good-naturedly.

"I didn't call for anything like that!" Santino yells.

At that O-Gee suddenly pops back on set and grins as she says, "No, but I did!"

With that she produces a ring bell and rings it. Festus immediately goes ballistic; he chucks the stools and rips down the backdrop before finally picking Santino up by the neck and carrying the bellyaching Italian off the set. Jesse hurries after him.

O-Gee then turns to the camera and says, "That's it for this episode! Tune in next week, where Azzie and Pyper will be back for _MOUTHPIECE_!!"

"O-Gee, give us the ring bell!!" Jesse calls frantically off screen.

"Oh, right, I'm coming!" O-Gee calls, and runs off, only to return a moment later to shut off the camera.

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

"Hehehe…" James Storm chuckled to himself as he swigged down another can of beer, the laptop of his partner in front of him.

Behind him, an irate Chris Jericho was glaring at Robert Roode. "You want HOW MUCH?"

"You heard me," Roode said, grinning. "If you want the contract to your soul, you have to pay up exactly $349,540.00"

"Where in the hell did you get that figure??" Jericho demanded.

"From Howmuchisyoursoulworth-com," Roode said. "You see? I played fair."

"I wonder how you came across the contract in the first place," Jericho said with narrowed eyes.

"I told you, I just found it lying around," Roode said, perfectly aware that he had swiped it when he peeked into the Beautiful People's dressing room and found security separate the girls of Mi Pi Sexy and the sisters. "Now I'm being the good guy here by offering you a deal on actually getting this document back."

"You're a rat, that's what you are," Jericho growled at him.

"Hey Chris," Storm suddenly spoke up, tipping over a little from where he was seated on his cooler, "You can have it for free if you *hic* drink me under the table."

"Haven't you killed off enough brain cells today?" Jericho retorted.

"Suit yourself," Storm said, turning his attention back to the laptop.

"All right, all right!" Jericho said, sitting down at the table and popping open one of the beer cans. "You probably wouldn't last another two cans without falling on your face anyway." Storm merely grinned at him and grabbed another can himself.

Half an hour later Jericho had passed out face first on the table and Storm was still happily chugging away at what seemed like his forty-third beer of the day.

Roode shook his head. "You're a freak, man," he told his Beer Money other half, and then turned back to where he had placed the contract. "Hey, it's gone!" he exclaimed, as behind him Storm finally succumbed and toppled backwards onto the concrete floor.

To be continued…


	7. Race to 12 Rounds

A little late, and frankly the chapter may be a bit uninspired, which was a little disappointing as at this point in time John Cena and Dwayne 'No I'm Not the Rock Anymore' Johnson is a pretty volatile mix. We'll try and make up for it in the next chapter.

Date Uploaded: 29 March 2009

**Mouthpiece – Chapter 7**

"We're totally going to crush _The Dirt Sheet_ in viewer-ship this week, O-Gee; they can't beat our guest line up!" Pyper said excitedly.

O-Gee, seated at her usual table with a laptop in front of her, said, "I hope so – Santino's takeover last week caused our view count to plummet almost 2000 views from the week before."

Pyper scowled. "Marella must pay for that. I'm going to pull out all the stops when it comes to messing with his puny brain."

At that moment Azrael joined her two sisters on the set, muttering curses under her breath as she flicked her cellphone shut. "Goddamnit, I'm going to court!" she told them, apparently having been in conversation with her lawyer. "I told you that prick Orton would drag this whole shit out!"

"But you'll crush him, right, Azzie?" O-Gee asked.

"Right," Azrael seethed, "And then I'll buy an obscenely expensive car with the money just so I can draw tire circles on his front lawn with it."

"He'd just sue you again if you did that," Pyper reminded her.

"Yes he would; it's a vicious circle," Azrael said. "Let's start the show."

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 7 – ****Race to 12 Rounds**

The show opens with Azrael and Pyper on the set, an LCD monitor and an empty chair in between them. 'Bodies' by Drowning Pool plays in the background. "Hello viewers," Azrael greets, "Especially those who have remained bafflingly loyal to this show. Pyper and I are back for this week."

"We would not like to thank O-Gee for being unable to hold her own last week," Pyper adds.

"Hey!" O-Gee protests off screen.

Pyper ignores her and goes on. "Just to clarify things, folks, this is _Mouthpiece_, not _Casa Part Douchebag_, or whatever the hell Marella called it. He and his intern Rosa Mendes have made our list of people to break under torture, right below the Beautiful People. Also, for anybody curious, my Chrissie's contract is still missing. I've hired somebody to find it for me, your PI in fact, Azzie."

"I fired him six days ago," Azzie tells her, looking disinterestedly through a few sheets of papers, "So effectively he's on your payroll now, not mine."

"Sh*t!" Pyper exclaims, and then pulls out her cellphone and dials frantically. "Hello? Yeah, listen…"

Azrael lets her trail off in the background. "Anyway, today we have two special guests – Both are former WWE Champions, both were present at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards yesterday, and both currently have movies out."

Pyper has finished her phone conversation and is tucking her cellphone away as she says, "And so first off I would like to welcome to the show one of the competitors for the Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania 25, John Cena!"

John Cena steps into camera view as an applause track is played. He grins, shakes Azrael's hand, gets an unexpected glomp from Pyper, and then warily sits down on the seat next to her when she lets go.

"Thanks for coming onto the show, John," Pyper says delightedly.

"Uh yeah, great to be here," Cena says.

"There is no way this is going to be civil," Azrael mutters to herself. "As for our other guest, we have him via satellite, please welcome the man formerly known as 'The Rock', Dwayne Johnson."

Dwayne Johnson appears on the LCD monitor to her right, so effectively he and Cena are situated between the sisters. He smiles and says, "Hello, Azrael, it's a pleasure to be on the show."

"Yeah, whatever," Pyper says, uncharacteristically abrupt. "Can I jump him with the whole 'The Rock is dead' thing now, Azzie?"

"I thought we agreed I was going to do that," Azrael says.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought I was invited to the show to talk about my new movie, _Race to Witch Mountain_," Johnson says, a little bemused.

"Christ, Rock, I thought we've met?" Azrael tells him, rolling her eyes. "Oh I'm sorry, _Dwayne_ – just because you close that chapter on your life doesn't mean it never happened."

"Azzie I thought you wanted to be civil!" O-Gee reminds her off screen, but Azrael waves her comment away.

"You see, this is what I've been talking about," Cena says, shifting in his seat to look at the monitor. "You enter the wrestling business, win the hearts of the fans, and then go and use it as a stepping stone to get into movies, turning away from what built you in the process."

"I don't remember addressing you, Cena," Johnson snaps at him. "And you're one to talk; isn't your drawn-out action movie out this week too?"

"It's called _12 Rounds_, and don't pretend you haven't seen it," Cena fires back.

"I haven't," Azrael comments.

The two ignore her and continue to bicker. "Oh right, you mean _The Marine_ Part 2," Johnson mocks. "I've seen the trailers at least – another baddie who kidnaps another blonde chick that you then have to go rescue."

"Oh I'm sorry; not all of us have the acting chops to accept roles such as a gay bodyguard, or a self-centered quarterback, or half-insect royalty," Cena says scornfully.

"At least they're more varied than an ex-marine and a city cop!"

"Are you really going to sit there and justify the _Bring It On_ 'monologue' or the on-screen kiss with Steve Carell??"

"You know I'm feeling a little left out," Pyper muses to Azrael across from their bickering guests.

"I know," Azrael says, "Time to bring this thing back into focus." She clears her throat and addresses John Cena. "Cena, you've stated that although you respect the Rock—"

"Dwayne," Johnson corrects her.

"F*ck it, Rock, this is our show and it's wrestling-based; hence we're going to call you 'The Rock', so deal with it," Azrael snaps, looking annoyed at being interrupted. She turns back to John and continues, "—Although you respect the Rock, you don't agree with his jump to movies and essentially what you say is his abandonment of the wrestling business."

"That's right," Cena says. "You can't claim to love WWE and this business and then just not be a part of it. I understand the allure of movies; I've gotten into them myself. But the one thing I will never do is leave my first love, and that is wrestling."

"John has a very valid point," Pyper agrees, clasping onto Cena's arm.

"How valiant," Azrael mutters dryly, "No wonder you're currently WWE's posterchild."

Johnson laughs, scoffing at his remarks. "Give me a break, Cena. You're seriously going to tell me that you would choose carting your ass from one state to another every week, fifty weeks a year, to perform in front of live crowds almost every night, running the risk of painful debilitating injuries over one to two big movies a year that pay even more than your current annual salary? I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out what's the better deal!"

"You know, Rocky's right too," Pyper agrees as well, nodding her head.

"What a sellout," Azrael mutters in turn, "Do you have wh*re tattooed on your ass too?"

Cena manages to pry Pyper's fingers off his arm and then goes back to addressing Johnson. "You know what, I'm starting to see why you've been dodging my challenges to get back into the ring and face me," he says. "You don't have what it takes anymore and you know it. We're not just talking about ring rust here; I figure you've realized that even if you make this huge comeback you'll never be able to reclaim your title as 'The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment'!"

"Haven't I made myself clear, dumb*ss?" Johnson snaps, looking irritated. "I am no longer 'The Rock'. The time of calling myself 'The Rock' is over, so live with it. Besides, between my shooting schedule and other commitments, I would never have time to start a lame *ss feud with someone like you."

"Feud? Jesus Christ, at this point I'd do this whole thing with the bizarre love triangle that is Edge-Vickie-Show again over a feud with you!" Cena shoots back.

"If it happens I'll take turns cheering in both your corners!" Pyper declares happily.

"I don't know," Azrael drawls, "This mildly pissy Dwayne Johnson against a John Cena who is only credible when up against a heel with massive charisma could still spell gigantic dud, no matter the hype or marketing for it."

"Yo what is up with you two?" Cena snaps, finally acknowledging their presence on the set. "Pyper, you're rooting for BOTH of us…"

"… While you're carping and b*tching about BOTH of us, Azrael," Johnson says, annoyed. "Will you two just pick a goddamn side??"

"But I love both of you…" Pyper whines.

"And I couldn't give two shits about you two as movie stars," Azrael says. "In fact, on RottenTomatoes-com _Race to Witch Mountain_ has been flagged as 40% fresh while _12 Rounds_ barely beats it with 42% – either way they're both under the rotten half of the meter. I wouldn't mind seeing a Rock/Cena showdown, though, provided Rock is Rock, if you know what I mean."

"All right, that's it," Johnson suddenly barks. "You want the Rock? You have the Rock. The Rock is sick and tired of this pointless debate. Cena, you are a denim shorts-wearing, lame wisecracking, steaming pile of monkey crap who is just sore because he will never measure up to The GREAT ONE. The Rock will see you in the ring… when he has confirmed a date with his agent. And when that day comes around you will SMELL-LAH-LAH-LAH… what THE ROCK is cookin'," and on the LCD the Rock gives him the People's Eyebrow.

"Bring it," Cena says, gesturing to the monitor. "The Champ will be right here, waiting."

"Provided you win at Wrestlemania," Azrael murmurs.

"Are you through antagonizing the two of us??" Cena yells at her.

"My, testy, aren't you?" Azrael says before looking back at the camera. "Well there you have it viewers, and you heard it here first! Whether it be WM26 or sooner, Rock/Cena is on!"

"Mouthpiece will exclusively be following this story!" Pyper continues. "O-Gee, stay on it, all right?"

"What??" O-Gee's flustered voice comes off-screen.

"That's all the time we have!" Pyper says. "I would like to thank both John Cena and The Rock for being a part of _Mouthpiece_. Tune in next week for our special Pre-Wrestlemania show!" She waves to the camera and Azrael gives a little salute while Cena and Rock glare at each other.

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

"How you managed to get your soul of all things mixed up with those sisters I haven't the foggiest idea," Kevin Nash chuckled to their guest as on his laptop the webisode credits rolled.

"Yeah, well, I don't feel like recounting it," Jericho snapped at him, and then turned back to the leader of the Main Even Mafia. "So come on, Kirk, hand over the contract and I'll be out of your hair—uh, out of here."

"Not so fast, Chris," Kurt Angle said, holding up his free hand, as in the other he held the contract to Chris Jericho's soul. "Let's strike a deal. You join the Main Event Mafia, and I'll happily hand over this contract to you."

"Christ, Kirk, I don't know if you realize it, but I'm not part of the TNA roster," Jericho reminded him.

"There are ways around that," Kurt insisted.

"And if I refuse?"

"This contract is FedExed right back to that Azrael woman, sucka," Booker T told him, Sharmell smirking at his side.

"You wouldn't dare!" Jericho exclaimed, horrified.

"Try us," Kurt challenged. "So what'll it be, Chris?"

Jericho looked at him, then at Nash, then Booker and Sharmell, then Scott Steiner, and then back at Kurt. He opened his mouth, possibly to mumble an affirmative, but then his mouth gets the better of him and he groans out, "I can't do it! The four of you plus that white-faced, bat-wielding freak are barely a step away from the has-beens that roll in for the WWE Hall of Lame ceremonies! And you, Kirk Angel, Jesus Christ, you're the biggest whining, sourpuss whore since Stephanie McMahon in her heyday! I would rather take a pen, jab into my eye, and then… Augh!"

That last part was the sound Jericho made the moment Kurt punched him in the throat. The two of them ended up beating on each other on the floor of the Main Even Mafia locker room until the others and security managed to separate them. By the time that happened, the contract had somehow disappeared again, much to Jericho's chagrin.

To be continued…


	8. The PreWrestlemania Betting Pool

This is a LONG chapter… with Wrestlemania just around the corner we managed to put this out in time, though, and considering were sidetracked today (just got a new puppy and he's tired us all out!) we're happy we were able to make it! Special thanks to LastWhiteRose and Rhiannon Leigh Black for allowing us to include them in this chapter!

Date Uploaded: 05 April 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 8**

"… So I created a diversion while O-Gee sneaked backstage and loaded Santino Marella's man-kini with poison oak," Pyper was saying as she walked onto the set, two figures following her. "Totally priceless – last we heard Rosa Mendes was delegated to scratching the parts he couldn't reach, so that takes care of her too."

"Got pictures?" Selena, one of the two, asked.

"Better – videos," Pyper said, grinning widely. "They'll be up on Youtube after the show."

"So this is where the magic happens, huh?" Robin, her other companion, remarked, looking at the rather sparse set, which was composed of a white space with the apartment-style backdrop, a few chairs, two LCD monitors, a camera and a laptop on a table.

"E-yup, welcome to the Mouthpiece set," O-Gee said, coming up to the three of them, slipping her headphones on as she did. "We're on in ten minutes, by the way."

"Kickass," Robin said, beginning to walk around the area. "Hey, have you guys ever thought of getting a wealthy backer to spruce this place up a bit?"

"Azzie's our backer," Pyper said. "Unfortunately, she's a tightwad when it comes to my projects. I can't for the life of me fathom why – I haven't had an explosion at my lab or caused a riot in weeks. Weeks, I tell you."

"Really? Because I could have sworn that I saw you like five days ago when someone threw a water balloon filled with orange soda at an autograph signing featuring Jack Swagger and Maryse – it ended in a disturbance that required local authorities to quell," Selena commented.

"Ehehehe… You're mistaken, I'm sure," Pyper said, chuckling sparsely. "I was at home… reading a book… on child birthing in water… yeah, that's right."

Just then Azrael appeared from one of the backrooms. "Well, it's official, my court date is on Thursday. I am going to bury Orton for what he put me through."

"You want me to take the stand?" Pyper offered. "I can cry on cue."

"Thanks but no thanks," Azrael said dryly. "A video on the Internet seen by thousands of people will serve just fine. That and expert witnesses including a psychiatrist that will attest that Orton's claims of IED are total bullshit."

"Can we start the show now?" O-Gee asked.

"Yeah, let's do this," Azrael replied.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 8 – The Pre-Wrestlemania Betting Pool**

The show opens with 'Shoot to Thrill' by AC/DC, one of the official themes for Wrestlemania 25, playing in the background. Pyper is seated on the chair to the far left, Selena beside her, Robin and then Azrael. Between Selena and Robin is one of the LCD sets, and in the middle of the semi-circle of chairs is a bright green blow-up kiddie pool.

"Welcome to _Mouthpiece_," Azrael greets. "Wrestlemania 25, otherwise baffling known as the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania, despite the occasion actually being the 24th Anniversary since the event started, is mere hours away. As the WWE superstars gear up for the show, _Mouthpiece_ is starting its first annual Wrestlemania Betting Pool, which may or may not be incorporated in the show for future PPVs, depending on scale of said PPV and the success of this pool."

"I would like to introduce our two guests for the afternoon," Pyper says. "Selena is one of _Mouthpiece's_ loyal viewers, and Robin, as a lot of you may already know, is the drummer for rock band F4."

"Hello!" Selena says, waving to the camera. "Thanks for inviting me over for the show, guys."

"Our pleasure," Pyper says, "As they say, the more the merrier."

Robin rubs her hands gleefully. "I'm just here to watch the chaos unfurl. Let's get right into this thing."

"All in good time," Azrael says, a little smile on her face as well.

"Selena and Robin are here to liven things up – they've thrown in their own stakes for Wrestlemania," Pyper says. "For those wondering, O-Gee is in on this too, but she's at her spot behind the camera."

O-Gee suddenly pops into the screen, gives a hurried, "Hi-ya!" and then pops right back out.

"Now first let me explain how this is going to go," Azrael begins, "All of us are going to place our bets on the superstars we believe are going to win their respective matches at Wrestlemania. We've each thrown in a sum of money and a unique item into the betting pool…"

"Quite literally in this case, I see," Selena says, looking at the kiddie pool in amusement.

"… And when the results come in the person with the most right-minus-wrong picks wins," Azrael continues. "In the event of a tie the pool will be split among the winners."

"So for our first match we have The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, with Taker's well-documented streak on the line," Pyper says, gesturing to the monitor, where a split-screen of Undertaker and Shawn Michaels is shown.

"Now normally I would say that Taker winning at Wrestlemania is a lock," Azrael says, "But in this case I'm doubtful."

"I think Shawn will take this," Robin says. "For one thing, he and Taker have done some really good promos to hype this match up in the past weeks."

"Yeah, the whole 'I am light and you are the darkness' thing by Shawn Michaels was executed really well," Selena agrees. "I go with Shawn too."

"I'm going to stick with the streak," Pyper says. "It will live on!"

"If anybody has to break the streak, I wouldn't half-mind it to be Shawn Michaels," Azrael says. "Interestingly enough, it was reported that at WWEshop-com a preview of a t-shirt was mistakenly released with the words 'Undertaker 17-0' and 'RIP HBK' on it. It was then revealed to only be an April Fool's Day joke."

"That wasn't funny," Selena says, frowning.

"Agreed," Azrael says, "But for now I'm keeping my bet on the Undertaker."

"Heh, we'll see," Robin says, grinning. "So Selena, what did you put in the pool?"

"I threw in fifty bucks and a hub cap stolen from Triple H's hummer," Selena says, grinning mischievously. "When you leave a vehicle like that just parked anywhere you're practically asking for it."

"So moving on," Azrael says, looking at the list in her hand. "Next match up is the Money in the Bank. I've never had much luck in the way of this match, to be honest – save for the first I've gotten it wrong every year."

"Would it help if I told you that all of us picked the same person as you?" Selena asks.

"Hey, not me!" Robin interjects. "I'm convinced that CM Punk will be the first person to walk away with the briefcase twice in a row."

"On the other hand, we all think it's Christian," Selena says.

"Maybe it would help if we got some insider perspective," Pyper suggests, "And that is why we have, joining us via satellite, Shelton Benjamin."

The LCD switches to Shelton sitting at a WWE set. He is saying to someone off screen, "… Let's hurry this up, I still have to take a shower and warm up—what, I'm on?"

"Hello, Shelton," Azrael greets him. "We won't keep you long; we know you have a big match ahead of you."

"Yeah, we just wanted to get your thoughts on the Money in the Bank match," Pyper says. "Who do you think will win?"

Shelton looks at her like she just asked him what color grass was. "Who do I think is going to win? I'M going to win, of course! Out of all those guys in the match, I am the only one with the pure athletic ability to triumph; plus I have been in the Money in the Bank match FOUR times since 2005, more than anybody else on the WWE rosters! I DESERVE that one-year championship shot contract!"

The girls on the _Mouthpiece_ set listen to his tirade all the way through, and then after a pause Pyper says, "Right, so listen, who do you think is REALLY going to win MitB this year?"

"That's it; we're done here," Shelton says, disgusted, pulling off his microphone and leaving his place. The LCD connection is closed.

"Well he was a lot of help," Robin grumbles. "Anyway, let's move on to Triple H vs Randy Orton for the WWE Title."

"Wait, now I'm the odd one out!" Selena exclaims. "How can I be the only one pulling for Trips??"

"Statistically speaking, the facts favor Randy Orton, much as I hate that schmuck," Azrael says, grumbling the last part. "Four out of the five winners in the last five Royal Rumbles have gone on to win the championship they challenged for at Wrestlemania."

"Plus, this McMahons and Triple H versus Orton and Legacy feud doesn't look like it's about to go away anytime soon," Robin adds.

"What??" O-Gee suddenly groans off screen. "You mean we're going to get more of recaps with dramatic music and slowed-down videos in black and white all throughout WWE shows?"

"Yeah, I've lost count of how many times I've seen Stephanie's face hit the ring canvas these past two weeks," Robin says, rolling her eyes. "At first it was funny, but after the three or four THOUSANDTH time I wanted to eat an RKO just to stop me from seeing it."

"Being on the receiving end isn't as fun as it looks," Azrael tells her dryly.

"Less of it looking fun and more of it looking funny," Robin snickers. Azrael fixes her with a glare and she sobers up, asking, "What, too soon? It's been almost five weeks!"

"Hey Pyper, tell us what you put into the betting pool," Selena says, quickly changing the subject.

"Oh, you guys are going to love this," Pyper says, grinning widely. "I put in twenty bucks, as well as two bottles of my Super-Mega-Uber-Love-Love Potion, formerly known as the Swooning Liquid for anybody familiar with my chronicles."

"You mean the sh*t that you put in a person's drink that makes them go ga-ga over you for a certain period of time?" Selena asks.

"That's the one," Pyper responds proudly.

Azrael groans. "Oh dear God, Pyper, if we get a repeat of last time…"

"Oh ye of little faith, Azzie," Pyper admonishes, waving her comment off. "I've added a warning label: Use in small, concentrated doses. Repel urge to dump whole bottle."

"Question: Why did you change the name from Swooning Liquid?" Robin asks.

"I changed it because it sounded too Harry Potter-ish," Pyper replies. "I think Pyper's Super-Mega-Uber-Love-Love Potion sounds much better, don'tcha think?"

"Now I have a question," Azrael says, going to dig something out of the pool and pulling out a red bill. "Pyper, you put in twenty Australian dollars? I specifically said we were keeping to American currency."

"I didn't have time to go to the money changer!" Pyper defends.

Azrael sighs and drops the bill back. "Fine, moving on then. Next up is the triple threat match for World Heavyweight Title, at least according to John Cena, and the fight for the love of one Vickie Guerrero, at least according to Edge and the Big Show."

"Hear that?" Robin says. "That's the sound of millions of fans around the globe throwing up."

"I'm really glad those reports of Vickie Guerrero being pregnant were just another April Fool's Day joke, as orchestrated by John Cena," Selena says. "Speaking of which, it looks like we've all pegged him as the winner… except for Azzie."

"Call me crazy, but I think two heels will walk away with the big ones this year," Azrael says. "I'm looking for Edge to retain. Of course things could still go another way."

"Yeah, Show could win it," Robin suddenly says. She grins at their stupefied faces. "Haha – joke. Want to see what I put in for the betting pool?"

"Yeah, I've kind of been wondering about the trunks in day-glo green," Selena says, peering into the pool.

"Well Leesie and I were hanging around backstage during a RAW show," Robin begins, "And while looking for the little girls' room we, uh, 'accidentally' entered the locker rooms instead."

"Ah, much like when I 'accidentally' stumble into the shower areas while looking for the bus stop," Pyper says.

"Exactly," Robin says. "And CM Punk had, for some reason, left his bag wide open on one of the benches, and on the top was this pair of trunks. So it wasn't like I picked his locker and went through his things to unearth that near the very bottom. Nothing like that at all. Anyway, with that and $500.00, there you go."

"I like your logic," Pyper says to her.

"And I'm kind of scared to be seated in between you two," Selena remarks. "Anyhow, let's move on to the Hardy versus Hardy bout."

"Seeing as this is the first official time that the Hardy brothers will take each other on since Matt turned on Jeff, I think Jeff will take the win," Robin says.

"On the other hand, this Matt versus Jeff feud has the potential to go on for quite some time, so I think rather than Jeff winning and pushing it towards a close, Matt will win and throw a little more fuel on the flames," Azrael says. "How about you guys, Selena, Pyper?"

"Jeff," Selena responds.

"Matt," Pyper says at the same time. "But yeah, this is one match that can go either way. So Azrael, you made a big fuss over what I put into the pool, what did you contribute, hmm?"

"Reliant Stadium at Houston, Texas, where Wrestlemania 25 will be happening reportedly has a 71,500 seating capacity. That figure divided by 25 gives us 2,860, so I placed $2,860.00 into the pool," Azrael says.

"Why the math?" Robin asks, puzzled.

"I just felt like being confusing," Azrael replies. "As for the item, I've been continuously in contact with my lawyers the past few weeks, so as a kick I asked them to see if they could worm out another contract for me. So in the pool are papers that give the holder ownership privileges to whoever wins Money in the Bank at WM25 for a full year, regardless of when the victor cashes in the briefcase."

"You have far too many of those official documents," Selena comments, laughing.

"Speaking of which, Chris Jericho called," O-Gee says off screen. "He's asking if you somehow got a hold of his contract again, as he hasn't been able to track it down in a while."

"Oh f*ck, no," Azrael groans. "God knows where that went to by now."

"Well then let's hurry this up so I can go out there and look for it!" Pyper says, suddenly impatient. "Match six, Carlito and Primo Colón versus John Morrison and the Miz to unify the World and WWE Tag Team Titles."

"Mizorrison, definitely," Robin says. "I think we're all in agreement on this one, aren't we?"

Everybody says something to the affirmative, and at that the LCD monitor flashes back to life and shows Carlito and Primo seated at the WWE set. "Hold on, hold on, hold on a minute there," Carlito says, raising a hand. "We caught the last part of that conversation when we came on. Are all of you girls convinced that those dipsh*ts Miz and Morrison are going to win this?"

"Well sorry Carlito, Primo, but yeah," Selena tells them with a shrug. "I know that they've pretty much dominated this feud you've had for a while now, but it really seems like they're going to win come Wrestlemania."

"So none of you ladies have any love for the Colóns?" Primo asks, looking hurt.

"Well you have to admit it's pretty funny when they refer to you as the 'Colons'," Selena says, "Not to mention other terms, like 'Butt Brothers'."

"And 'Anal Allies'," Pyper offers.

"'Sphincter Siblings'," Robin says with a snicker.

"'Chummy Glutes?" Azrael suggests.

"'The Tushy Twosome'!" O-Gee calls off screen with a giggle.

"Argh, callate, enough!" Carlito yells, shaking his head.

"We could use a little more support than that, you know," Primo says. "I watch _Mouthpiece_ regularly, so return the favor!"

"Oh, fine," Azrael says, rolling her eyes. "Since I like you two – somewhat, as much as I like anybody in wrestling at least – I'll change my bet for you. So don't let me down."

"You call that support, Azrael?" Carlito snaps.

Primo shoves in him in the side and says, "We'll take it!"

"Incidentally, you two do realize that in the event you do win the match then I will own the person who ultimately picks up the belt with my initials on it, right?" Azrael reminds them.

The brothers then go quiet. And then Carlito turns to Primo, points at him and says, "You're taking it."

"What? No way! You're taking it!" Primo counters. The two of them continue to argue in a mixture of English and Spanish as the connection is shut down.

"That was entertaining," Robin comments. "I hope you don't end up regretting changing your bet, Azzie."

"I'll torture the two of them endlessly if they do lose," Azrael says. "So the next match is John 'Bradshaw' Layfield versus Rey Mysterio for the Intercontinental Title."

"And once again, Azzie, you're the only one who differs from the rest of us," Selena tells her.

"So I am," Azrael says, observing the others' picks. "But out of all the matches for Wrestlemania, JBL versus Rey is the one that has had the least buildup. Christ, even the 25 Diva Battle Royal had more of a background. That's why I think JBL will retain since this felt more like a filler match than anything else."

"I dunno, Azzie," Robin says, leaning back in her chair. "Rey as the ultimate underdog-slash-favorite seems like a surer bet than Jiggly Boobs."

"I thought we weren't going to cover the 25 Diva Battle Royal," Pyper speaks up, making the others look at her. "Oh, were we still on JBL? Ah, gotcha."

"Well, viewers, as Pyper said we are going to skip the Diva Battle Royal, seeing as it would be pointless to try and pick a winner when we're only entirely sure of 17 or 18 of the combatants," Azrael says, looking at the camera. "So we only have one more match to go, but before that I just wanted to confirm that although O-Gee has been more or less a disembodied voice this episode, she still contributed to the pool. O-Gee?"

"Contributed to the pool? That girl is so broke she put lint in!" Pyper exclaims.

"Hey!" O-Gee defends off screen, but then says, "Uh, yeah, I did, ehehehe… wait, I might be able to find a quarter somewhere…"

"Keep your hands off my wallet!" Azrael roars.

"Okay, okay!" O-Gee says, and then steps into view for the moment. "I do have an item to put in, though."

"Where? I don't see one," Robin says, already digging through the pool.

"It's outside, it was too big to fit," O-Gee said, and then points to the LCD.

The monitor flashes to a shot outside of the building. There, having taken four parking spaces and towering a story up, is the giant edifice that was once the fist on the old Smackdown set.

"Holy sh*t!" Robin exclaims, gaping at it. "I was wondering what in the hell happened to that thing!"

"I found it in a warehouse that Jesse and Festus were storing unwanted WWE stuff in, right beside a crate of Vladimir Koslov merchandise," O-Gee explains. "They said I could have it and even transported it here."

"Wow, O-Gee, I'm slightly impressed," Pyper says, grinning.

"Where are we going to store that monstrosity for the next week until the winner is determined and collects it?" Azrael demands.

"I really don't think anybody would steal it," Robin says. "I mean, look at it; you'd hear the crane and other sh*t they'd use if that happened."

"Good job, O-Gee," Selena says, and O-Gee beams before stepping out of view again. "Well, we finally get to the last match, and that is Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat and Jimmy Snuka, with Ric Flair in the Legends corner."

"I call the Legends to win, with interference from Mickey Rourke," Robin says.

"Yeah, it's been a good storyline, but it ultimately comes to an end at Wrestlemania," Selena says.

"I agree," Azrael says. "It's time for Jericho to get a new feud, and seeing as Steamboat was up for Hall of Fame this year, my bet is that he'll be the one to pin Jericho."

Pyper is fuming, and finally says, "I don't believe you guys! My Chrissie is the most talented man to ever step in that ring, and not even four old guys and Mickey Rourke will be able to stop him at Wrestlemania!"

"Face it, Pyper, 'Chrissie' will be jobbing to geezers at Wrestlemania," Robin tells her.

"I'm starting to dislike your logic, Robin."

"Well, that's it for _Mouthpiece's_ first annual Wrestlemania Betting Pool," Azrael says, beginning to wrap things up. "I would like to thank both Selena and Robin for taking part in this episode. Tune in next week when we determine who wins the pool! Until then, this is Azrael – enjoy watching and/or ripping Wrestlemania 25 to shreds, fellow smarks."

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

"I can't believe not a single one of those psychotic bitches bet on me," Big Show said as on the laptop in front of him the webisode ended. He was seated in the locker room at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas, basically surrounded by the hustle and bustle of fellow wrestlers mere hours before Wrestlemania 25 would begin. "I'm the largest frickin' athlete on the roster; I have a punch that KO's main eventers! I'm the only man to have ever held the WWE, World and ECW Titles! How could no one bet on me??"

"Because if it came down to it, all Edge or Cena would have to do to win is run circles around you before you tire out and drop from exhaustion all on your own," Hurricane Helms remarked as he passed by. "I'm just saying."

Big Show growled at him but by then Helms had already hurried away. Ah well, he would show them at Wrestlemania. He would show them all.

To be continued…

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Note:** For those wondering what the final bets were, here they are:

Azrael – Undertaker, Christian, Randy Orton, Edge, Matt Hardy, The Colóns, John 'Bradshaw' Layfield, the Legends

Pyper - Undertaker, Christian, Randy Orton, John Cena, Matt Hardy, John Morrison and the Miz, Rey Mysterio, Chris Jericho

O-Gee - Undertaker, Christian, Randy Orton, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, John Morrison and the Miz, Rey Mysterio, the Legends

Robin – Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Randy Orton, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, John Morrison and the Miz, Rey Mysterio, the Legends

Selena – Shawn Michaels, Christian, Triple H, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, John Morrison and the Miz, Rey Mysterio, the Legends


	9. The Easter Egg Hunt

A noticeably much shorter chapter this week; we kind of ran out of ideas towards the end, and with it being the Easter weekend we were kind of preoccupied with services and the usual annual traditional celebrations. We'll be back at full capacity next week. Until then, enjoy this transitional chapter.

Date Uploaded: 12 April 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode ****9**

"For God's sake, Pyper, why don't you just sell the damned thing on eBay and get rid of it??" Azrael cried, putting a basket of chocolate eggs on the table in the middle of the set.

"Now why would I go and do that?" Pyper said. "I happen to think the Smackdown fist would look great mounted on the roof of my laboratory, don't you think, O-Gee?"

"What?" O-Gee asked, startled, having been in the middle of trying to sneak one of the eggs from the basket.

Azrael slapped her hand away and then turned her attention back to Pyper. "Why on earth would you want that monstrosity on your roof like a giant beacon??"

"Because I think it would look cool," Pyper said, pumping her own fist in the air for emphasis. "And now that you mention beacons, it would probably be even cooler if it lit up with a purple glow at night. Yeah, I'm going to go see if I can find an electrician who can make that happen." And with that she pulled out her cellphone and began dialing.

Azrael sighed and shook her head. "This is so fucked. I don't you suppose you could try and talk some sense into her, O-Gee…" she stopped when she turned and found O-Gee in the middle of trying to stuff a whole chocolate egg down her gullet.

O-Gee gave her an awkward grin and tried to swallow. "Er…"

Azrael groaned. "Jesus Christ, and my therapist wonders why I'm perennially stressed. Let's just start the damn show."

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode ****9 – The Easter Egg Hunt**

The show starts with Rise Against's 'Audience of One' playing in the background. Azrael is seated behind the table with the basket of eggs on it, and she greets everyone, saying, "Hello and welcome to the fallout episode of last week's Wrestlemania 25 Betting Pool—"

The camera is abruptly swung around to a grinning Pyper. "Which I won, bee-yotches! Oh yeah, oh yeah!" she begins to dance around in a circle.

The camera is brought back into focus on Azrael, who looks irritated at having been interrupted. "Yes, folks, you heard right. For those who kept tabs on the bets laid last week, Robin, Selena, O-Gee and myself tied at -1 while Pyper beat us all out with a score of 1, having had four right calls over three miscalls. Therefore Pyper is officially the winner of the betting pool."

Pyper steps into view, still with a huge grin, and calls out, "That's right, play that applause track, O-Gee!" O-Gee complies and the sound effects of a smattering of applause is heard. Azrael rolls her eyes as confetti is also released from overhead and rains down on the set. "Come on, Azzie, congratulate me!" Pyper says to her.

"Congratulations. Now get the hell out of my segment," Azrael tells her.

"Oh fine, be grumpy. You're just mad that I actually out-smarked you," Pyper says smugly.

Azrael looks like she is about to pelt her with chocolate eggs when all of a sudden Primo Colón walks onto the set. "Hey Azrael, here are those pictures you asked me to blow up, and that video you wanted too," he says, handing her some large shots and a DVD.

"Hey, you can't just walk onto the set!" Pyper says indignantly. "Wait, does this mean that you picked up the World Tag Title belt that Azzie owns and now you're her b*tch until you lose it?"

"No, I just did Azrael a favor for changing her bet for us last week," Primo says, and then points downwards at something off screen. "He picked up the belt."

The camera then pulls back to show that Azrael has been using the figure of one Carlito Colón on his hands and knees as a footrest the entire time. Carlito glares up at Pyper. "Seriously, Pyper, Carlito has been here the entire time; it's not that hard to miss me, I mean, check out the hair!"

"Actually with the hair I mistook you for a bush," Pyper says with a shrug.

Carlito groans and then addresses Azrael. "Can Carlito get up now? This is pretty lame torture, Azrael, even for you!"

"Oh fine," Azrael says, sighing and putting her feet down.

Carlito gets up, dusts himself off, and then grabs his belts from the floor. "If I didn't like the sound of 'Unified Tag Team Champions' so much, I would drop this title right into the next pathetic loser's arms – let's see how you'd like having Rhodes or DiBiase following you around."

"Oh come on, Carlito; you're the one who willingly contacted me after winning the titles. I didn't even have to get O-Gee to find out who had the belt I owned," Azrael says with a sly smile. Just admit that you like playing my little b*tch."

"Carlito, bro, I never knew you were into that sort of sh*t," Primo says.

"I'm not!" Carlito insists furiously. "She's lying!"

"Whatever Carly," Azrael says languidly, waving them away. "Make sure you arrive on time for my massage later on, all right?"

"Shut up, woman; Carlito refuses to be constantly subservient to your demented whims!" Carlito declares as he walks off the set.

"Is that a yes?"

"Carlito will be there at eight!" he yells off screen. Primo gives him a confused look and then follows.

"Kinky," Pyper observes. "You seem to be in a good mood; well, as good as your mood can get, at least. Did I miss something?"

"Yeah, my hearing – Randy Orton v Azrael, remember?" Azrael tells her dryly. "You said you would be there to support me but you never showed up. Fortunately neither did Randy – I suppose he figured he had more on his plate. Due to his absence the judge ruled that I am immediately owed the figure I named in my lawsuit, and that Orton's own countersuit be dismissed."

"Awesome," Pyper says, grinning. "So, can I hit you up for a loan, then?"

"You just won the f*cking pool, Pyper."

"Project funding is expensive!" Pyper insists. "You need materials, radioactive waste, human guinea pigs, and that last one is really hard to come by for some reason, you know."

Azrael rolls her eyes and opts to ignore her. "Anyway, folks, seeing as it's Easter Sunday Pyper, O-Gee and I decided to be somewhat benevolent and actually do something GOOD for the WWE and TNA superstars this week. And so we fashioned a few special Easter eggs and hid them around their respective arenas for the wrestlers to find."

"In each of the eggs is a coupon good for ONE favor from us, the Mouthpiece crew," Pyper says, "Subject to the terms and conditions as detailed on the back of the thing, of course."

"Any questions should be directed to—" Azrael is interrupted when the LCD flashes on.

Selena appears on the screen, sitting at her desk and talking via a webcam. "Yeah, I have a question," she says. "Any chance last week's betting pool had a consolation prize?" she asks with a grin.

"No, you lost, suck on that!" Pyper tells her.

"Haha, Jericho got his face punched in by Mickey Rourke in one of the most awkward Wrestlemania celebrity appearances ever," Selena countered. "Suck on that!"

At that the screen splits into two and Robin appears, looking like she's interacting with the show via her phone while on a balcony. "And I would have won over you too, if Randy had done his part and f*cking WON, and Jericho had jobbed to the old guys like they should have!"

Pyper immediately sticks her tongue out at the screen, and both Selena and Robin do the same, the three of them making childish faces at each other. Azrael sighs and says, "All right, if it will get the three of you to cut it out, will an Easter egg each for you and Robin do the trick, Selena?"

"One favor from the three of you?" Selena muses. "Sounds promising. All right, deal."

"I want the MitB briefcase contract!" Robin calls at once.

"Hah, no!" Pyper declares. "Nothing from the betting pool is up for grabs!"

"We'll see about that!" Robin says, shaking her fist at her. "I'll get that contract, you just watch! I okay the Easter egg favor too!"

"Mm, and milk chocolate on the side too, sweet," Selena says, smiling.

"Selena and Robin, everybody," Azrael says, and the two of them wave goodbye before the screen turns neutral again. "So we will see who shows up with the Easter eggs in the following weeks. Should prove interesting."

"And we'll see where your uncharacteristically giving mood ends too," Pyper observes.

"That's all for _Mouthpiece_ this week," Azrael says, beginning to wrap things up. "Next week we will tackle the final results of the WWE Draft, and maybe get into some actual news, as well as peek into what TNA has been getting up to."

"So enjoy the rest of your Easter weekend," Pyper says.

"And drive carefully, for God's sake," Azrael adds.

"Until then, Azzie, Pyper and O-Gee out!" Pyper says, waving.

"Pyper, I thought we talked about not using that f*cking stupid sign-off line," Azrael tells her sharply.

"But I like it…" Pyper whines, and she and Azrael continue to argue about it until the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

Chris Jericho stared in horror at the person in front of him, the one person who at that moment, unfortunately held the contract to his soul in hand, and didn't seem to have any plans to give it up any time soon. "You have got to be kidding."

ODB gave a chuckle as she finished watching the webisode on a battered laptop that she might have picked up in a nearby junk pile. "Those sisters do funny stuff. You a fan?"

"No, can't say I am," Jericho said, still eyeing the document that she was currently using as a coaster for her beer bottle.

"I am," ODB said, taking a swig from the bottle and then putting it down again, "I think they're great; never miss a show. Of course that means I'm familiar with your situation, buddy."

"Oh good, that saves me from having to explain it, then," Jericho said. "So if you could just hand the contract over I'll be on my way…"

"Hand it over?" ODB looked at him, perplexed. "Now why would I want to do that? ODB may be loud and crass, but she ain't dumb. There's lots of things a stud like you could do for a girl like me." She propped her feet up on her makeshift desk and gave him a wide grin. "Oh yeah, lots of things…"

Jericho resisted the urge to smack his head on the nearest wall. Now he knew he was screwed.


	10. Property of WWE

We realize that we've been out of action for weeks on this story, but the combination of school, work, and a stupidly hyperactive puppy just culminated into too much occupying our attention to actually sit down and get to work on another chapter. See, that first sentence didn't even make sense. We'll try to get back into gear now.

Date Uploaded: 24 May 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 10**

"Pyper, what's going on?" O-Gee asked the moment she stepped into Mouthpiece's regularly used set.

"Hmm?" Pyper said, distracted, as she directed various, unidentified crewmembers in setting up cameras, the blue screen backdrop, props and whatnot in the suddenly much more crowded space. "What's going on, you ask? I'm making things better, that's what's going on! While Azzie insisted on all of us taking a vacation from the show, I went out and hired a legitimate crew, prettied up the set and beefed up production values. Don't you think we look more professional now?"

"I guess…" O-Gee replied hesitantly, nearly tripping over a cable on the floor. "But where did you get the money for all this? Did Azzie agree to letting you access her account?"

"You mean her main account that she treats like it's the Holy Grail? The one that's harder to get into than Valhalla?" Pyper scoffed. "No. I was fed up with having to rely on our excessively frugal sister, so I went and got us a different backer."

At that point the door opened, hitting a crewmember behind it and making him drop the stools that he had been carrying. "What the…?" Azrael said, stepping inside and looking around. "I'm almost afraid to ask what's going on…"

"Pyper got us a new backer," O-Gee immediately said before Pyper could dissuade her.

"And who would that…" Azrael trailed off when she caught sight of a very familiar logo on one of the cameras. Suddenly panicked, she went over to what was once their main table that housed their reliable laptop, where she found a large, white envelop clearly marked 'Mouthpiece – New Contract'. She ignored Pyper's cries to put it down and opened it up, beginning to read.

"'… All of _Mouthpiece's_ assets including but not limited to products, merchandise, programming, staff and trademarks are property of World Wrestling Entertainment, effective as of 18 May 2009…'" Azrael grew quiet and then said in a low, very angry growl, "What?"

Both Pyper and O-Gee took a slow step back from her. "Now, Azzie, it's not as bad as you think," Pyper began to babble. "We'll have better production values at this rate, and I won't have to constantly pester you for funding every time we do a special spot or have to replace equipment…"

Azrael looked at her and held up the papers. "You signed our fucking show to Vincent-FUCKING-McMahon??" she bellowed.

"I think you need to run, Pyper," O-Gee whispered.

"Don't I know it!" Pyper screamed, tearing off. Azrael spouted a few more curses and then took off after her.

"Uh hey, we need to start the show soon!" one of the crewmembers called.

"I guess I'll do it, then," O-Gee said complacently, as her two elder sisters continued to play a hysterical game of cat and mouse.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

**Episode 10 – Property of WWE**

The show is introduced with a WWE clip in front, similar to the ones before all their online videos. It then goes into a splash for Moutpiece, featuring mainly Pyper posing and Azrael and O-Gee interposed from different clips. Finally the show starts with no background music, although a bigger, more lavish set with a blue screen has replaced the old _Mouthpiece_ set. O-Gee starts the show with, "Hello everybody, and welcome to _Mouthpiece_. As you can see there have been some changes since early April, precisely six weeks ago, when the previous episode of the show took place. Speaking of the break, Azzie told me that it was a 'necessary hiatus', whatever that means. I spent most of the time sleeping and listening to JPop. Azzie disappeared for a while in her room like she usually does. As for Pyper, well, I guess she was the busiest out of all of us, because she's responsible for all of this," she says, gesturing around. "So where are they right now? Actually…"

At that point a scream sounds and Pyper runs into view, followed closely by a practically murderous Azrael. They begin to weave in and out of the camera view as they continue to run around.

"Azzie just found out that Pyper basically sold _Mouthpiece_ to WWE, that's what," O-gee says.

Pyper then comes to a stop on one side of O-Gee and then pulls their youngest sister in the middle of her and Azrael, using her as a shield. "Wait, Azzie, stop!" she pants. "This is stupid! I can't continue running, and seeing as you don't remotely know what physical exertion means you're bushed too!"

Azrael is breathing even heavier than her, but still looks dangerously livid. "Being pissed off… gives a very strong… energy boost," she pants. "And when I catch you… I will methodically… separate your head… from your body."

"For crying out loud, Azzie, you haven't even read the rest of the contract!" Pyper argues. "Being under WWE management won't be so bad!"

"Can I see?" O-Gee asks, and then takes the contract, beginning to read a few clauses around. "'Programming is to be kept to a strict PG-13 rating; as such profanity will not be tolerated, even if censored as done in previous shows'."

"F—"

"'Content of the show's output is subject to approval from WWE Management'," O-Gee continues before Azrael can let loose with four-letter no-nos. "'Any material that does not meet approval will be edited out of the final product'."

"That's not so bad!" Pyper defends lamely.

"'This includes discussion of other promotions and subjects outside of World Wrestling Entertainment, its wrestlers and its subsi—' Uh, say this word for me, Azzie?" O-Gee asks.

"Subsidiaries," Azrael responds, having regained her breath. "That means NO talk of TNA or other promotions, of outside rumors, unsanctioned stuff or politics. Would you like to resume running again, Pyper?"

Pyper groans, "Do I have to?"

Before Azrael can reply, both 'Reality' and 'Ain't No Make Believe' plays, and The Miz and John Morrison appear on opposite sides of the two of them, glaring at each other over the sisters' heads.

"You found out that I was going to come here and upstage this show on its first week with WWE and wanted to screw it up for me, didn't you?" Miz accuses.

"Yeah right, get over yourself," Morrison scoffs. "Since appearing on RAW you've done nothing but run your mouth and get imaginary wins over superstars who don't even think it worth their time to show up when you call them out. I came here to see what the hell the fuss was over this show."

"Wait, does that mean that you've never seen an episode of _Mouthpiece_?" Pyper asks indignantly.

"Well just the first part of the second episode," Morrison admits, "And nothing else." Here he looks Pyper up and down. "I don't believe I saw you."

"This show wasn't worth watching, especially since _The Dirt Sheet_ was on and gave audiences something actually worthwhile to see," the Miz says.

"Oh yeah? Well with the dissolution of _The Dirt Sheet_, after your little tag team broke up, of course, _Mouthpiece_ is currently the number one wrestling-based online show!" Pyper says, flashing a thumbs up at the camera.

"I'm going to end you," Azrael growls and then lunges for her, to which Pyper shrieks and is pulled away by Morrison while Azrael is frantically pushed back by O-Gee.

"Will you help me stop her??" O-Gee cries to an indifferent Miz, struggling against her sister's attempts at sororicide.

"What for?" the Miz asks with a shrug.

He is suddenly pushed away with the appearance of Chris Jericho, who is barely introduced by his theme music before he lunges into a tirade against Azrael, pulling her back as he does so. "GodDAMNIT, Aramis, I have been trying to contact you for SIX WHOLE WEEKS; normally all I have to do is sit around and one of the three of your show up to ruin my life in the space of a few seconds! Not even this one came around!" he yells, pointing at Pyper.

"I'm so sorry, Chrissie!" Pyper gushes. "I was just so busy with the move to WWE and all, but I'm here and free to shower you with all the love and attention that you so rightfully deserve!"

This time O-Gee turns around to attempt to hold Pyper back before she can fling herself onto Chris Jericho. "Down, Psycho," Jericho tells her, and then turns back to Azrael. "I've had to endure over a month of running around and kowtowing to that lunatic known as ODB—"

A loud blare suddenly cuts him off. All five of them on the set looks off screen behind the camera. "What in the hell was that for??" the Miz asks.

"No talk outside of World Wrestling Entertainment," one of the crewmembers says.

Jericho gives him a flabbergasted look, stares around the set, and then looks back at the sisters. "Are you actually with WWE now? Dare I ask why?"

"Pyper had a frickin pen, that's why," Azrael responds dryly. "Now I take it that your complaint is regarding your contract?"

"Precisely. I want you to get it back."

Azrael blinks, actually surprised. "Wait, did I hear right, you want me to get your contract back?"

"That's right, you don't even have to give it to me if you want," Jericho says. "Keep it. Better the b*tch you know."

At that there is another blare again, making all of them jump. "Now what was that for??" the Miz yells.

"No profanity," the same crewmember says.

"Welcome to hell," Jericho mutters.

Azrael rolls her eyes at him. "Fine, you want me to get your contract back? Let's go; I'm not sticking around here for this anyway. Pyper, I'll get you back for this soon, count on it." With that she stomps off with Chris Jericho.

"Wait, where are you going with my Chrissie??" Pyper demands, hurrying off after them.

"Hang on, Pyper, was it?" John Morrison calls, surprisingly following her. "I don't think you've been formally introduced to the Shaman of Sexy…"

"Hey, where are you all going??" the Miz yells after them as they disappear off the set one by one. "I'm still to wreck your show, don't you even care about that? Oh yeah, the Chick Magnet's taken over _Mouthpiece_; Miz 1, Sisters 0! Did you hear me??"

It goes quiet as they are all gone, save for him and O-Gee. He turns to the youngest sister and says, "Well, what're you looking at? You gonna try and stop me?"

"Knock yourself out," O-Gee says with a shrug. "Although the show's over anyway, we've run out of time."

The Miz starts at that. "What do you mean you've run out of time? Listen, I've taken over and I say when we're out of time! And right now—"

And O-Gee ignores him, walking off as the set fades to black and the Miz's ranting fades with it. And that is how the show ends.

**--- ΑΦΩ ---**

"Hah, typical; Vince sees a good thing and immediately wants to corrupt it, like the twisted maniacal troll that he is," Mick Foley mused from his office, watching the show end on his desktop computer. "Sad, don't you think?"

"Well, yes, I suppose it's a little sad," Jeremy Borash replied from where he was standing at the Executive Shareholder's elbow.

"I wasn't talking to you, JB, I was talking to my friend here," Mick told him, referring to where Mr Socko was watching everything from between the two of them. "What's that, you think there's going to be an epic bitch-fight between Azrael and ODB soon enough? Haha, what a coincidence, I was thinking the same thing too!"

Borash gave his boss a disturbed look and then decided that it was time to slowly leave the office. As he walked out and closed the door behind him, the last thing he heard was Mick Foley thinking about booking the two women in a Bimbo Brawl. He shook his head. Mick had always been a few cards short of a deck, but it seemed like the whole deck had gone flying into different directions at this point.

To be continued…


	11. Excuse Me!

Chapter is a little slipshod as we tried to cram in a lot of things but still manage to keep it as short and to the point as possible. Here it is, though, and we hope you enjoy.

Date Uploaded: 31 May 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 11**

"So did you manage to get a hold of Azzie at all within the week?" Pyper asked.

"No," O-Gee said, shaking her head and causing the woman fixing her hair to give a noise of impatience. "All I heard was that she and Jericho were out together for about two days regarding his contract."

At that Pyper dropped her blended mocha frappucino in shock. "Azzie was with my Chrissie??"

"Pyper, I did say it was about his contract."

"That shameless hussy!" Pyper exclaimed, ignoring her. "Pretending all the while that she couldn't stand him while she was trying to drag him out from right under my nose! That's it, I'm hunting her down right after this show, and then that woman is dead to me! You hear that? DEAD!"

O-Gee had long ago learned that reasoning with Pyper when she got worked up was futile, so she remained in her seat and let hair and makeup finish. That's right, _Mouthpiece_ had gone a further step up on the rung; aside from the full crew handling production, the sisters had also gotten stylists and hair and makeup artists to fix them up prior to shows. O-Gee was actually enjoying the pampering – she would ask Pyper if they could get personal assistants next.

Pyper hopped out of her seat, incensed, and declared, "The sooner we start, the sooner we finish, and the sooner I can steal back my Chrissie! So let's START THE GODDAMN SHOW!"

**--- ****Ⱥ****ΦΩ ---**

**Episode 11: Excuse Me!**

The video splash for WWE and _Mouthpiece_ plays, and then the show starts with Pyper seated in the middle of their now lavish set. She is noticeably annoyed and fidgety, and greets the audience with, "Hello, this is _Mouthpiece_, your source of information on WWE and… well, just WWE now, really. I am Pyper, that is O-Gee—"

She points and O-Gee pops in for a moment to say, "Hello!" and then pops back out.

"—And that's it. As of today I, Pyper, and O-Gee are the only hosts of the show; anybody who may or may not have hosted in the past is now DEAD TO US. You hear that, Backstabbing-big-sister-from-hell-who-has-stolen-my-Chrissie-but-I'm-going-to-get-him-back-soon-enough!!"

"Excuse me!!" a shrill voice cuts in and suddenly Vickie Guerrero steps onto the set, decked out with the Miss Wrestlemania sash and tiara. "What's this about only having two hosts for the show?? WWE paid for three and WWE should have three!"

"Well tough luck!" Pyper declares obstinately. "WWE's going to have to make do with two! What, you think I'm not good enough on my own to interview you??"

Vickie sniffs disdainfully and says, "Maybe, considering you haven't even introduced me yet."

"Vickie, there's no need to introduce you anywhere you go," Pyper responds with a sigh. "One word from your mouth and everybody within a six mile radius knows you're around." Vickie is about to open her mouth to rebut that when Pyper says, "But all right. Ladies and gentlemen in internet-land, let me introduce to you the special guest for this week, RAW General Manager and Miss Wrestlemania, Vickie Guerrero."

Appeased, Vickie gives the royalty wrist wave and then takes the seat beside Pyper. "Thank you, thank you, so glad to be here."

"Well, Vickie, there are a few things I'd like to talk to you about," Pyper begins. Vickie smiles and is about to talk when Pyper cuts her off. "First off, however, we have O-Gee with some news. O-Gee?"

The camera switches to where O-Gee is seated at a desk with an LCD screen situated to her right. She clears her throat, shuffles a few papers, and then speaks. "Thank you, Pyper. As of Friday, 29 May 2009, WWE announced on their website that it had come to terms with the release of Mr Kennedy… Kennedy." The screen shows a picture of Kennedy after last RAW's main event, clutching his right wrist. "This follows reports that Mr Kennedy suffered an injury last RAW on his first night back after months of being away."

"Wait, they FIRED Mr Kennedy??" Pyper shrieks off screen.

O-Gee looks off in her direction. "I guess. Back to you, Pyper."

The camera returns to where Pyper and Vickie are sitting. Pyper looks incredulously at Vickie and asks, "Why in the hell did that happen??"

"That was a decision made by the Board of Directors and one I am not at liberty to discuss," Vickie responds. And, apparently fed up with being interrupted, she barrels on. "But let's get on to matters that I can discuss, and the first one is _Mouthpiece_. You never mentioned it last show, Pyper, but I was the one who initiated WWE's purchase of this show and helped close the negotiations. I guess you can say that _Mouthpiece_ now owes all its recent successes to me," she says, looking proud of herself. "So, anytime you want to thank me…"

Pyper looks less than eager to do this, so instead says, "So, ah, Vickie, let's get on to this feud between you and Santino—ahem, excuse me, 'SanTINA' Marella."

Vickie's smug look immediately turns sour. "'Santina' Marella is a stain on an otherwise strong women's line up on RAW. I was able to win the Miss Wrestlemania crown from her and bring prestige to the title, and now he—she—it wants to take it away from me in a hog pen match?? Can you think of anything more degrading??"

"I dunno, Vickie," Pyper says. "Triple H flashing your granny panties on stage during your wedding celebration to Edge last year was pretty bad… That and the whole nudie pictures thing on eBay…"

"Why did you feel the need to dredge all that up??"

"Because it happened," Pyper says simply. "Speaking of which, when's the divorce?"

At that Vickie recoils and stands up defensively. "What divorce?? Who have you been talking to?? Has Edge said anything??"

"Nah, but there's a betting pool on it that's been going on for over a year now. Az—I mean, that PERSON who shall not be named from now on already lost – she had you guys splitting up in six months. I, on the other hand, had two years and three months, and that's coming up really soon, so, any inkling?"

"I do NOT believe this!" Vickie yells indignantly. "I am this show's SPECIAL GUEST this week! I am the RAW General Manager! I am MISS WRESTLEMANIA! You have no right to badger and treat me this way!"

It is then that the wholly absurd figure of Santina Marella enters the set, the black bob firmly secured by a strap under the chin and supporting tight jeans and a flimsy halter top. "Badger? I don't see-a any badgers," 'she' says in a high-pitched voice. "Just one very disgruntled piggy. Squeee!!"

"Shut up, SHUT UP!" Vickie screams, beginning to throw a tantrum. "Where did you come from? You're not supposed to be here!"

"But I am a big fan of the show," Santina insists, "And since I've never been on the set of _Mouthpiece_, not once-a, not at all, ever, I wanted to come and see-a what it was like. I didn't think you would mind sharing the spotlight with the vision that is me, Santina Marella!"

Santina then preens towards the camera, Vickie seethes and Pyper, for once, is content to sit back and give them amused looks. Until Santina then reaches off screen and pulls out a huge bouquet of flowers. "Oh, by the way-a, Pyper, this is for you."

"That's not from you, is it?" Pyper asks warily.

"No, I was asked to give it to you by a good-looking boy from Smackdown."

"It's from Chrissie!!" Pyper says joyously, grabbing the flowers and holding them close. "He wants to apologize for hanging around with Az—er, HER, this week, I know it!"

"Uh, no," Santina says, having plucked the card from the bouquet. "It is from John Morrison. See? Says so-a right here," he holds up the card. "'To Pyper, for your second show. There is always room for you in the Palace of Wisdom. From the Shaman of Sexy'."

"Eh?" Pyper says, confused as she looks at the card.

O-Gee giggles off screen and says in a sing-song voice, "Pyper has a FANBOY!"

Vickie angrily slaps at the flowers from the extravagant bouquet that have gotten up her nose and then glares angrily at Santina. "At Extreme Rules I will have Chavo in my corner and we will mop the floor with you," she declares, and then says with a smirk, "Feel free to have family there as well. Your twin brother Santino, perhaps?"

"Maybe I will!" Santina says, but looks a little uncomfortable. "But you can go ahead and have an entire extended family, Vickie! Why-a not Babe? Or Wilbur? Or Miss Piggy or Ham?"

"Ham was a monkey, you moron!"

"Either way, he went up in space to avoid seeing you!"

At that Vickie lets rip a furious scream and then she and Santina begin a very awkward display of hair-pulling and bitch-slapping. Officials immediately come in to try and pull them off each other, but they continue to do their unorthodox catfight in the background while Pyper continues to stare perplexed at her gift.

O-Gee then steps in and faces the camera. "Well, that's all we have for this week. Hope you enjoyed, tune in for the next show!" she waves, and that is how the show ends.

**--- ****Ⱥ****ΦΩ ---**

"… I kinda want to say that this show has mellowed since WWE bought them out, but at least viewers are still getting treated to some really fucked-up shit," Alex Shelley was saying as he shut his laptop, grinning.

"Yeah, whatever; I still think WWE totally screwed up a good thing by stamping their fucking logo all over it, though," Chris Sabin said, taking a seat on the bench by his tag team partner. "Speaking of which, was that Azrael chick on this week's show?"

"Nah, I think she's gone AWOL," Shelley said. "But hey, watch some of the older episodes if you want your fix of her."

"Dude, it's totally not like that," Sabin defended. "It's just Azrael—"

He was interrupted when someone suddenly came up behind them and draped an arm each on their shoulders. "Hello, boys," Azrael said, leaning in between them and giving them a smile. "Sorry to spring up on you like this, but I'm going to need a little favor…"

To be continued…


	12. Exclusive Mouthpiece Merchandise!

This is fairly late, and considering it's the Queen's birthday and we had a three-day weekend there's really no excuse other than life getting in the way. The chapter is still written as if prior to Extreme Rules happening, and so yes, we've read results (we're too cheap to shell out thirty bucks for the PPV) but no, we didn't include them in here. Still, hope you enjoy.

Date Uploaded: 07 June 2009

**Mouthpiece – Episode 12**

"Pyper," O-Gee began in a curious but also cautious voice, "Is everything okay?"

"Okay??" Pyper immediately snapped at her, causing the makeup lady to drop the brush and sending powder everywhere. She ignored the mess and the muted curse that came from their attendant, and continued her rant. "Of course I'm not okay! I spent the whole week tracking my Chrissie as well as She Who Shall No Longer Be Named, and I couldn't find a trace of either of them! For all I know they eloped to Barbados and are currently sipping margaritas by the beach!"

"Az—I mean, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named hates the beach…"

"… Plus there's Morrison," Pyper barreled on, ignoring her sister. "I mean, I suppose on some level I can understand his infatuation with me, I am irresistible, but he's got to learn that I'm TAKEN, my Chrissie shacking up with She Who Shall No Longer Be Named aside."

"But I talked to her two days ago and she said that she and Jericho parted ways right after she got his contract back from ODB."

"… Flowers and chocolates I don't mind," Pyper went on, gesturing around the set, which was literally filled with bouquets of flowers, "But the self-gratifying shots of him shirtless sent with them are a little weird, even for me—wait, what did you say?"

"Az—er, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named called and told me that it only took her two hours the previous week to get Jericho's contract back," O-Gee explained to her suddenly attentive older sister. "Turns out ODB just needed a good enough replacement for him, and she settled for a year's supply of McDonald's supersize value meals, engraved flasks for every day of the week, and two crates of Thin Mints."

"Thin Mints?"

"Yeah. I bet those girl scouts who sold them to Az—um, She Who Shall No Longer Be Named were pretty happy." Here O-Gee sighed and said, "Can I please just call Azzie by her actual name instead of saying that really long phrase?"

"No! Until I see her and have my vengeance saying her name is forbidden, you got that?" Pyper snapped. "Now let's start the show!"

**--- ****Ⱥ****ΦΩ ---**

**Episode 12:**** Exclusive **_**Mouthpiece **_**Merchandise!**

The splash for WWE and _Mouthpiece_ play, and the show opens with Pyper seated in the middle of the set. "Good evening, ladies and gents," she greets, "It's time once again for another episode of your favorite, number one ranking WWE online show, _Mouthpiece_! I am your host, the inimitable Pyper! And of course there's O-Gee by the news desk."

The camera flashes briefly to the news desk with O-Gee, who waves and barely manages to say, "Hello!" before the view is turned back to Pyper.

"Sheesh, O-Gee, no one likes a camera-hog," Pyper says, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, for this show we have another special guest; allow me to introduce him now. Please welcome the All-American American, Jack Thwagger, I mean, Swagger!"

'Get On Your Knees' by Age Against the Machine plays, and Jack Swagger trundles onto the set. He glares at Pyper, but chooses to settle himself on the seat before he starts to speak. Unfortunately the stool is positively diminutive against his bulk, and he spends a few moments trying to sit down on it before giving up and kicking it away. "You knew I wath a guest way beforehand; couldn't you have gotten some dethent furniture in??"

"Hey, those are standard issue _Mouthpiece_ set chairs," Pyper defends. "Speaking of which, viewers will get the chance to purchase their very own soon, once the WWE _Mouthpiece_ merchandise line is released! Tell them all about it, O-Gee!"

As Jack Swagger sputters at being ignored, the camera focuses on O-Gee, who launches into a very bad home shopping routine, with various merchandise items around her. "This coming week _Mouthpiece_ is proud to announce the launch of their exclusive WWE line of merchandise! Items include fan t-shirts, jackets, hockey jerseys, ladies tees, windbreakers, sweatshirts, baseball caps and a whole bunch of clothing with the _Mouthpiece_ logo and/or cartoon versions of Pyper and me on them! Yes, even underwear!"

She starts to pick up various things in succession as she talks. "Plus there are the stools, mugs, bobbleheads, action figures, posters, magazines, bedspreads, iPod cases, pencil holders, alarm clocks, bags, and much more! Also the first half of season 1 of _Mouthpiece_ will be on DVD; that's right, nine five-to-ten minute episodes in one boxed set for only $89.95 and no extras! Isn't that exciting?"

"You forgot one important thing," Pyper tells her.

"What's that?"

The camera zooms back on Pyper, who holds up a hardcover book with an image of her in the kitchen along with Photoshopped in pictures of Triple H, Edge and Melina beside her. "The release of my cookbook entitled 'Cooking with Pyper and Her Favorite WWE Superstars', which is so not a rehash of the 'Can You Take the Heat?' cookbook of JR. Nope, it's brand new, people."

"Are you done?" Swagger asks impatiently.

"Oh don't get snippy with me, Mr I-Got-Beat-By-Christian-Twice," Pyper says. "You're the one who set up that opening to introduce the _Mouthpiece_ merchandise line, not me."

"Listen, I came here exthpecting to be interviewed about my triple threat match at Exthreme Ruleth, and inthead I've had to thtand here while you hawk all your thtupid productth that nobody ith interethted in anyway!"

Pyper wipes something from the side of her eye and replies, "You know, it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're spraying saliva at the person you're talking to every time you open your mouth."

Swagger throws his hands up and says, "Oh great, not another one. Fine, make fun of my thpeech impediment, just like the millionth of other people too dumb to think of more clever wayth to inthult me!"

"But why exert the extra effort when you just make it tho eathy," Pyper says. "Aw, damnit, now I'm doing it too!"

"Can we get to talking about my match—?"

"But hey, to be fair, you are trying to work through it," Pyper interrupts. "Which reminds me, I was meaning to ask you, what exactly do they make you do in speech therapy anyway? Do they make you recite tongue twisters in the mirror or something?"

"Ooh, ooh," O-Gee comes into view and says, "Like 'He thrusts his fist against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts'?"

"Or how about 'When a twister a-twisting will twist him a twist, for the twisting of his twist, he three twines doth intwist; But if one of the twines of the twist do untwist, the twine that untwisteth untwisteth the twist'?" Pyper adds.

"You know what, forget it, it'th not worth it!" Swagger says, and then stomps off the set.

"Hey, wait, we still have two minutes of airtime with you to fill!" Pyper calls. She jumps up off her seat and starts to run off after him when Josh Mathews suddenly steps onto the set. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh, I was asked by John Morrison to give you this…" Mathews says, handing her yet another bouquet of flowers with an 8x10 glossy of one John Morrison recreating the David Beckham underwear pose.

Pyper takes one look at this, shrieks and throws both flowers and picture into the air and bolts. Mathews, confused, slides surreptitiously out of view.

O-Gee watches the flower petals fall like confetti, as well as her hastily retreating sister, and then turns back to the camera with a grin on her face. "Ah, well, I guess we're ending early this week. Oh wait, there was one thing I wanted to do before we ended the show."

She perches on Pyper's vacated stool and says, "Pyper told me not to do this, but I want to anyway. Ever since the Miz came on two weeks ago and said that he would sabotage _Mouthpiece_, I've been pestering him off air to continue his threat. Well, and the reason he's kept on giving is that he's too busy with his 'feud'," here she makes air quotations, "With John Cena. So this evening I'M calling him out. You heard right, little O-Gee is calling out the MIZ! So come on, you say you're awesome? Prove it!"

It is quiet for a moment as O-Gee waits expectantly. Presently the sound of crickets chirping is played. "Meh, I thought so," O-Gee says with a smug grin. "So now, following Miz's example on RAW of past weeks, I now hold a victory over him. Yeah, O-Gee 1, Miz 0! And I'm going to keep calling you out every week, Miz, until you answer me."

"Is that really a smart thing to do?" a voice asks, and then Mathews comes back into view again.

"No, probably not, but my only guardian at the moment is Pyper," O-Gee says, and at that moment Pyper streaks by in the background, still screaming, "And as you can see she isn't exactly what you call strict. And, uh, why are you still here?"

Mathews shrugs. "I don't really have anything else to do. Hey, are you guys thinking of maybe replacing Azrael or something? Because I'm looking for another internal gig…"

Pyper races back, grabs Mathews by the collar without warning and yells, "No one utters that name, you hear me, NO ONE! And NO, we are not looking for another host, so SHOVE OFF!"

She pushes him out of view and then disappears herself. O-Gee gleefully waves at the camera and says, "That's it for us, folks, see you next week, this is O-Gee, signing off on behalf of Pyper and myself. Bye!"

And that is how the show ends.

**--- ****Ⱥ****ΦΩ ---**

"Two weeks," Carlito was saying to his brother as Primo closed his laptop after watching the show. "Two weeks since I last heard from Azrael."

"Careful, brother," Primo said, grinning. "If anyone hears you they might think that you're actually worried about your not-so-benevolent master."

"She's never gone this long without calling me to either pick up her drycleaning, or bathe her fucking dogs, or get her car tuned up," Carlito went on, shooting a glare at Primo. "But no, I'm not worried about her; the only thing Carlito's worried about is the possibility of that contract to one half of the World Championships falling into the wrong hands. I may end up like what that asshat Jericho had to go through."

"Yeah," Primo said in monotone, looking bored. "So, are you going to go out and find her now or later? Tell me so I can think up of some excuse when Vickie Guerrero shows up and starts demanding why you're not around."

"I'm going now," Carlito said, grabbing his stuff. "And you're coming with me," he added, yanking Primo by the arm.

"Hey!" Primo yelped and only barely managed to catch his laptop before it could hit the floor. He continued to argue and complain half in English and half in Spanish as was ushered out of the locker room by his brother and out in the streets to presumably look for a curiously absent hack.

To be continued…


End file.
